What are life’s most important moments without the perfect soundtrack? They’re garbage, that’s what. And who has more important moments in her life than the Basic Bitch? That’s right, no one! Nearly every day in the Basic Bitch’s life is packed with Important, Memorable Moments, from the agony of a break-up, to the ecstasy of road-tripping to Vegas for a vacation that seems mostly comprised of posing for Instagram pictures. And each and every one of those moments needs the perfect musical accompaniment to reach its full potential.
But the selection of this music cannot be left to the winds of chance. What if you assume you'll just find something good on the Sirius XM in your rental car on your big ladies road trip, and as a result, accidentally take in that first sweeping view of the lights of the Vegas strip to the dulcet tones of Kid Rock's "Bawitdaba"? You'll have a ruined moment, that's what, and you'll also have a group of friends who no longer invite you to zumba classes or pumpkin spice latte acquisition expeditions. Don't let it happen to you.Luckily, we’ve handpicked a playlist for all the basic-est moments in your life, saving you the potential embarrassment and horror of an inexpertly curated track list. Leave the music to us, and use the energy you saved to go pick out a nice decorative scarf. Because I don’t think you own enough already.
1. Getting Ready for a Big Night Out: “Dark Horse” by Katy Perry
Don’t you think that if you and Katy Perry knew each other, you’d be friends? And help each other get ready on a Friday night while drinking those little champagne-in-a-can things? And then just randomly decide to wear each other’s earrings? But then you’d be like, “Katy, these earrings are way too statement-y, only you can pull them off, let’s switch back”? Oh, wait, uh, I mean, me neither, I would never do anything as pathetic as pretending that a billionaire pop star was my down-to-earth friend. I also don't ever pretend that about Emma Stone, either. Just kidding. Ha.
2. Cruising to the Ugg Outlet Store with the Roof of Your Convertible Down: “Call Me Maybe” by Carly Rae Jepsen
Now that you don’t have to hear this song every single time you set foot inside a CVS/ coffee shop/outlet mall/gynecologist's office/that hollow mountain where they have a bomb shelter for the president, you totally like it again.
3. Wallowing After Your Break-Up: “Someone Like You” by Adele
Adele is the only person who understands your pain! Why don’t your friends take your pain as seriously as Adele does? Adele would never tell you that “you two were barely even dating,” and then demand that you come to some dumb ‘90s dance night that has a discounted cover if you come dressed as someone from Saved by the Bell. Adele would also never try to get you to dress up like Screech because "all the other characters are already taken." Adele understands the true nature of love and loss, you monsters!
4. Feeling Enraged After Your Break-Up: “Rolling in the Deep” by Adele
The perfect background for composing totally lethal subtweets about your ex, then deleting them, then typing them again, then leaving them up while you go for a jog to “think it over,” and then eventually posting them by accident while you have too many browser windows open.
5. Feeling Emotionally Confused After Your Break-Up: “Set Fire to the Rain” by Adele
What is this song actually about? What would setting fire to the rain even entail or serve as an accurate metaphor for? I have no idea, but Adele’s taken you this far; you just have to trust her now.
6. Realizing You’re Totally Over Your Break-Up: “Since U Been Gone” by Kelly Clarkson
Did you know that every American who has been dumped is not permitted to date again until they spend a minimum of 10 minutes enthusiastically singing this song into a hairbrush/ unplugged curling iron/ half-empty water bottle while dancing in the mirror? It’s true! Failure to do so is punishable by a $100 fine and/ or up to three hours of listening to Hoobastank.
7. Feeling the Need to Show Off Your Dance Moves in Public: “Single Ladies” by Beyonce
It’s the “Thriller” dance of basic bitches (though isn’t the “Thriller” dance itself also the “Thriller” dance of basic bitches? Discuss!).
8. Feeling a Drunk Sing-Along Coming On: “Unwritten” by Natasha Bedingfield
It’s not just the theme from The Hills! It’s a nuanced and thoughtful life philosophy that also happens to be the theme song from The Hills! Listen, we’re modern women, we can have it all!
9. Cruising Onto the Vegas Strip on a Road Trip: “Toxic” by Britney Spears
Britney is a survivor! Or something like that! Anyway, it sounds awesome coming out the windows of your Jeep Cherokee, it’s very easy to car seat-dance to, and it will get your psyched for the weekend of margaritas-by-the-yard ahead of you.
10. Getting Drunk Enough on Your Vegas Trip to Start Making DJ Requests: “Hey Ya” by Outkast
I don’t care if this is a rave! "Hey Ya" was a great song! You should play it if you actually want people to actually dance here! Wait, what did you say?? Oh, I’LL TELL YOU WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH, BUDDY!
11. Contemplating How Your Parents Think Your Sister is So Perfect: “Pieces of Me” by Ashlee Simpson
I feel you, Ashlee, gurl (may I call you "gurl"?). Why can’t our parents except us as the contradiction-filled ladies we are? Instead of constantly reminding us how Rebecca was already finished at Wisconsin and had been accepted to five different law school by the time she was your age?
12. First Dance at Your Wedding: “All of Me” by John Legend
Your wedding is actually not legally binding unless your first dance is to this song. Sorry ladies, I don't make the rules, I just blog about 'em!
Images: Jurow-Shepard/ Paramount Pictures, Giphy (1)
