What truly makes something or someone “basic”? It's a question humanity has been wrestling with ever since our primate ancestors first came down from the trees and used crude tools to fashion their own primitive picture frames that said "Besties" across the top. The real meaning of "basic" is a consistent source of recent debate — is it something you can contract accidentally, just by making brief physical contact with a
Sex and the City box set? Or is something that has always lived deep within you, simply waiting for you to raise that fourth Flirtini to your lips so that it can finally be liberated?
Like all of our great philosophical disputes, this one won't be solved within our lifetime. But if there is one aspect of this great debate that we can all agree on, it is that fall is the most basic-ass of all seasons.Think about it: Summer belongs to everyone, from adorable old people sitting in the park to dogs playing with beach balls; winter belongs to people who ski and assholes who say things like "you know, I actually prefer the cold weather"; and spring belongs to no one because it lasts for 45 minutes.But fall, with its wide array of cozy-but-not-bulky fashions and endless Instagram opportunities, is the kingdom of the basics.And admit it — no matter what you're like, somewhere, deep inside you, there is a teeny, tiny piece of your soul that longs to unnecessarily abbreviate words or gets why people love hot yoga. A basic's a basic, no matter how small. So why not let it out a little in this, the most basic of seasons? With Labor Day right around the corner, it's time to recognize just what a basic ass bitch fall is. Let us count the ways.
Pumpkin Spice Lattes
The return of the pumpkin spice latte — which, like Christmas and the smothering, oppressive knowledge of my own mortality, seems to come earlier and earlier each year — is the true moment when basic season begins in earnest. Though of course, if you were truly committed, you could have been making them yourself all year long.
Pumpkin Muffins
You see, they're healthier than cupcakes because . . . oh . . . shut up.
taking a trip to the pumpkin patch
Yes, we get it, it's cute.
actually, anything pumpkin-related
Pringles, Pop Tarts, Jello — have at it, basic pumpkin bitches! But hey, have you ever actually eaten a pumpkin? They totally don't taste like that.
Chilly weather that necessitates decorative Scarves . . .
. . . And oversized Sweaters
. . . and tagging photos of yourself in said sweaters and scarves with #sweaterweather
The Brief Window of Time when it is marginally acceptable to wear Uggs in public . . .
It's the only time of the year you stand a ghost of a chance of being able to get away with them. So if that's your thing, have at it.
Apple picking
Just admit that you're only doing it for the Instagrams, OK? We are both adults here, and well aware that there are many simpler and more convenient ways to obtain apples.
Trips out of town to watch the leaves turn
Why do you need to go away to find more leaves to Instagram? We have leaves that need Instagramming right here at home, young lady! And don't even think about taking a picture of falling into autumn leaves.
Sexy Halloween costumes
The ability to turn any Halloween costume into a sexy Halloween costume is actually a tribute to the spirit of American ingenuity, if you think about it.
Halloween drinking
For whatever reason, this is the one night a year when everyone in America agrees that it is OK to do a Jell-O shot (or five).
Thanksgiving dinner
It's the ideal multi-purpose basic meal: perfect to Instagram with one of those retro-looking filters, and perfect to later tweet about. #stuffed #sweatpants #iaccidentallyatesomuchcandiedyamthatinowwishiwasdead
Thanksgiving tweets
How else are the Internet strangers and weird porn spambots who follow you going to know that you're thankful for your joyful life, supportive family, and that time you and your girls went to Vegas?
Earlier sunset = more time for gossip girl
whatever Young Adult Film comes out in fall
Of course, the theater is mostly filled with not-so-young adults like yourself when you hit the opening night midnight screening.
A new season of The Voice
There's nothing inherently basic about Pharrell, Gwen Stefani, or Blake Shelton. But something about bringing them all together, under the hollow gaze of certified Lord of the Basics Adam Levine, turns this whole operation into the basic-est thing since wearing a Coachella flower crown to Chipotle. My soul turned into non-fat froyo just looking at a poster advertising the new season.
A new Taylor Swift album
Though scientists have yet to officially confirm that Tay-Tay herself is composed solely out of pumpkin spice flavoring and fresh laundry-scented candles, her last three albums, plus the upcoming 1989 , have all dropped or will drop in the fall, so she's pretty officially part of the problem now.
only two more months until the start of Love Actually Season
Stay basic, fall bitches.
