Entertainment

Never Say This to Someone in Love with RyGos

by Anna Klassen

Aug. 12, 2014

Kevin Winter/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images

Trends come and go, but some things are evergreen. Since the emergence of Ryan Gosling as a leading man in 2004's The Notebook, his staying power as a facet of both big screen blockbusters and the deep compartments of our hearts has been effervescent. Gosling's films have mostly been a huge success: Drive; Crazy, Stupid, Love; Gangster Squad; The Ides of March. Even 2012's The Place Beyond the Pines was my favorite film of the year, and I'm pretty picky.

Sure, he's had some flops in the past: Only God Forgives was like spending two hours in hell, and feasting upon a V-neck-clad Gosling wasn't worth the on-screen bloodbath. But for the most part, Gosling's cinematic choices, his Late Night appearances, and his general mentality — taking his mother to film premieres, saving women from oncoming traffic, and breaking up street fights — are enough to make anyone with a heartbeat swoon.

Well, not anyone. As an online organization — Women Against Ryan Gosling, or W.A.R.G. — reminded me, some people just can't appreciate the appeal of the Gos. But for those of us who are in a deeply committed, albeit unrequited relationship with RyGos, there are some things we simply can't hear. So, if you are one among the W.A.R.Gs, here are 21 things not to say to a hardcore Ryan Gosling fan. (Some of these idioms inspired by members of W.A.R.Gs themselves — you know who you are!)

"He can only do one accent: The same old-timey drawl"

It's called sticking with what works, and trust me — it worrrrrks.

"His eyes are too close together"

*Face palm*

"His Face is Really Flat"

Flat? As if he doesn't have a perfectly chiseled jawline or arched nose? What about those pouting lips or protruding eyelashes?

"He looks like the love-child of Haley Joel Osment and Chuck Norris"

Thank you, W.A.R.G.s, for this truly terrible and hilarious image.

"His eyes aren't that blue"

And the Caribbean ocean on a clear day isn't that beautiful.

"Just because he has a dog doesn't make him an animal lover"

I'm pretty sure that's exactly what that means.

"He wasn't always so good-looking"

What he said.

"His beard looks like it's bored"

What I would give to be a bristle on that beard...

"It's not like he's a Backstreet Boy"

You're right, his dance moves are much better.

"He acts so indie, but he's from the Mickey Mouse Club, you know"

So is Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera, Kerri Russell, and Justin Timberlake. You were saying?

"Liking Ryan Gosling is like liking puppies — unoriginal"

Did you say something? I just drooled myself into a coma hearing the words "Ryan Gosling" and "puppies" uttered in the same sentence.

"He constantly sounds like he has a cold"

Remember that episode of Friends when Phoebe realizes she sounds sexier with a cold? Well Gosling doesn't even need to lick the inside of a cold-laced coffee cup to sound superiorly sexy.