The 12 Stages of Wearing a One Piece Bathing Suit

After years of being a bikini-wearing citizen of the world, I traded in my two-piece for a one piece swimsuit this summer. After years of bathing suit tops coming undone of their own volition, bottoms that collected excess water, and becoming suddenly indecent at the hand of a strong tide at the beach, I was fed up. Bikinis had become far too much work. A one-piece bathing suit was the answer to all of my summer woes. I purchased a Speedo-reminiscent bodysuit that girded in all my parts and made me look like a ‘90s day camp swimming instructor. I couldn’t be more pumped to take on summer water activities.

Whilst in the past, I’ve opted for bikinis, I’ve always had issues with tops not being substantial enough to tame my rack. This season, things would be different. I would become the master of my own destiny by consolidating my bikini top and bottom into one superior bathing costume. Look out world, you’re officially my oyster. Then, I got a load of the high-neck rackerback tanline from my new suit and thought: “What have I done?” In my bodysuit transition euphoria, I forgot one important thing. Bathing suits all suck. Well, I don’t really mean that, but each kind has its drawbacks and its benefits, as I’ve learned in my time with my one-piece. Here are the psychological stages of switching to a one-piece bathing suit.

1. I'm sick of my bikini...

2. I should get a one-piece swimsuit this year and mix it up. I'm ready for a new, glamorous me!

3. Ooooo, my body is shrink-wrapped.

4. I feel athletic, secure, modest, and fabulous!

4. Plus, I have less surface area on my body to cover with sunscreen... Fantastic!!

5. I never need to worry about losing my top at the beach... How come I didn't make this lifestyle change sooner??

6. No longer do I need to hold up my bikini bottom when walking out of the ocean. So this is how the other half lives.

6. Hmm, I never realized just now sunburnt your legs can get.

7. Also, what am I gonna do about this racerback tan line?

8. There's air in my bathing suit, and it won't go away.

9. My torso feels like it's in the rainforest, because stomach ventilation isn't happening.

10. But, hey... All I need to do it throw on pants, and BAM. I Have an outfit!

11. And most importantly, I prevented this from occurring...

12. Conclusion: Totally worth it!

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