It's "Tearin' Up My Heart" to Hear You Say This

I am utterly shocked that there isn't some kind of Boy Bands Anonymous for those of us who spent our childhoods plastering our walls with posters of various groups of men whose music we listened to religiously and whose physical attractiveness we would swear by until the end of our days (or until we turned eighteen, whichever happened first). There are, after all, still people begging for a Backstreet Boys reunion tour because it's clear that once a fan of boy bands, always a fan of boy bands. They aren't just a key part of our childhoods. They're a way of life. And anyone who doesn't see that way of life needs to keep their mouth shut about it.

Listen, it's almost impossible to understand the kind of passionate fanaticism that loving a boy band inspires if you've never felt it yourself. I get that. Really, I do. But what other people need to understand is that it doesn't matter if I'm 13 years old or 30 years old: You insult the idea of boy bands in front of me and I will come at you like the crazy stalker girl in 'N Sync's "Bye Bye Bye" video. So, for your own safety, quit playing games with my heart and never say any of the below things to any fan of boy bands.

"That's so childish."

What's so childish? Are you saying that boy bands are childish or that liking boy bands are childish? Because either way you're wrong. I hate to break it to you, but technically any band that has an all-male roster is a boy band. Did I just break your brain? Sorry not sorry.

"They don't even play any instruments."

If your idea of a band is only people who play instruments, then you're really missing out on a lot of music out there, buddy.

"They're not real musicians."

If you are the kind of person who is pushing your hipster glasses further up on your nose and looking down at anyone and anything you don't consider Real Music, then I'm sorry to say that I can't help you. Let's just agree to disagree and I'll try not to roll my eyes behind your back.

"This isn't the '90s anymore."

It isn't? Are you sure? I hadn't noticed because I'm incapable of reading a calendar and am permanently stuck in the days when I chose my friends based on whether they liked Backstreet Boys or 'N Sync better.

"Just admit you're only into them because they're hot."

That may or may not be true. If it's true, I'm not ashamed of that because I bet you can tell me the last movie you only went to go see because one of the actors in it is hot. If it's not true, then I am going to remove my glove and strike you across the face in challenge to a duel like in the olden days for you have insulted my pride.

"But they're all so ugly."

Stop. No, no. Stop. Just stop. Walk away. Bye.

"They only have like one good song."

Oh, look at you, you're so magnanimous, being able to admit that they have one good song. They might be terrible, but at least you like one of those songs because you're a nonjudgmental super special snowflake, am I right?

"I don't get why they're so popular."

If you have about two days and don't mind power point presentations, I'm sure I can get you up to speed. If you said this in a derisive tone of voice while rolling your eyes at me, then I'm going to need you to shut up. You don't need to get it.

"I thought you'd grown out of this phase."

Liking boy bands isn't a phase. They're not like gel pens and beanie babies, okay? Start playing the opening bars of "Bye Bye Bye" to me at any stage in my life and I will start screaming the lyrics at the top of my lungs. No shame.

"X's songs are better than Y's songs."

Listen, you're not even trying to offend me here. Just never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever go up to a fan of one boy band and tell them that a rival boy band is better than them. Just don't. Don't do it. It won't end well.

"X should just go solo."

Shut your mouth. Boy bands of the world, please listen to me. Not everyone is Justin Timberlake, okay? Not everyone is Justin Timberlake. Don't break up the band to go solo. You will crush your fans and also you are seriously probably not the Justin Timberlake.

Image: nsyncishere, bsboys, gifs-bigtimerush, miranda-rph, glitteris, 5sos-at-heart/Tumblr; Giphy (5)