Brody Be Brawlin'

At the end of Sunday’s episode of Keeping Up With the Kardashians, my favorite TV family concludes their glorious Thailand vacation with a lantern releasing ceremony. As the Karadashian-Jenners let lanterns soar into the night sky, something negative from each of their lives floats away with their respective paper candle spaceships. Kris Jenner's lantern's precious cargo: fear.

What does Bruce Jenner get rid of?

“There it goes!" Bruce shouts for all to hear. "Say goodbye to my lousy putter!”

Missed sight gag opportunity alert: Bruce doesn't actually tie a putter to a paper lantern. We don't watch a golf club weigh Bruce’s lantern down, only to cause it to plummet to the sand. (I'm sure there's a metaphor in there somewhere.) Sigh. There's always the next Kardashian adventure.

Wait, what am I saying? Am I challenging the perfection of the latest Kardashian adventure? The first two installments of the three-part event were beautiful pieces of television. And the third and final installment is no different.

Saturday night, Beyoncé and Nicki Minaj casually drop the “Flawless" remix in the palms of our calloused, hangnaily, and unworthy hands. Sunday night, Brody Jenner knocks the sunglasses off of a blurry perv’s face. Great weekend, would recommend.

Yes, it is THE brawl. The brawl I've been waiting for. The Brody brawl. Here’s a play-by-play:

1. Brody, Brandon Jenner, Khloe Kardashian, and Kendall Jenner hang out at a beachside bar.
2. The siblings gab about setting up Khloe with a guy the Jenner brothers met at a Thai boxing match.
3. Khloe says she appreciates the intent behind Brandon and Brody showing potential suitors her photograph, but that the sitch is “just not my steez.”
4. Brody excuses himself from the table to order more drinks from the bar.
5. Kendall offers to help carry the drinks. (If my memory serves me correctly, she says she wants to help Brody carry the drinks multiple times. You know, because she is underage. She can carry, she can't imbibe. Wink wink.)
6. Kendall stands next to Brody at the bar as he orders the drinks.
7. A perv with a blurry face touches Kendall’s butt.
8. Kendall yelps and rushes over to Brody.
9. Kendall tells Brody the perv with a blurry face just touched her butt.
10. Brody confronts the blurry perv.
11. “That’s your sister?” asks the blurry perv.
12. Brody's eyes turn red.
13. The blurry perv shrugs dismissively.
14. Brody knocks the the blurry perv's sunglasses off of his face.
15. I REPEAT: BRODY KNOCKS THE BLURRY PERV'S SUNGLASSES OFF OF HIS FACE.
16. I REPEAT AGAIN: BRODY KNOCKS THE BLURRY PERV'S SUNGLASSES OFF OF HIS FACE.
17. I KNOW IT WAS IN THE SEASON'S SUPERTEASE, BUT I REPEAT YET AGAIN: BRODY KNOCKS THE BLURRY PERV'S SUNGLASSES OFF OF HIS FACE.
18. I notice I'm clutching both of my shoulders and holding my breath.
19. And then, I notice both of my hands are up in the air.
20. I raise the roof.
21. I fire off some finger guns.
22. I get out of my chair and do a body roll.
23. I realize I've fallen in love with Brody a little more.
24. I'm blushing.
25. Brody and the blurry perv go at each other.
26. A giant bodyguard intervenes.
27. As the bodyguard holds the blurry perv back, my boyfriend says the bodyguard reminds him of Bill Goldberg.
28. I spend some time reading up on what the real Bill Goldberg has been up to lately.
29. The bodyguard forces the blurry perv to leave the bar.
30. The brawl ends.
31. Brody returns to the table a hero.
32. The siblings applaud Brody’s heroism.
33. The siblings get back to drinking wine and laughing about setting up Khloe with the random dudes they approached at a boxing match.

May I never forget this reality TV moment.

While I'm here, may I also never forget the reality TV moment when Kim Kardashian and Brody talk about kids, Burt Jenner (!!!!!!!!!), and Kanye West using his one phone call from jail to order takeout from Mr. Chow's.

I am forever indebted to Kim Kardashian for sharing that anecdote with the world.

Image: E!