What's Really Going On With Orlando and Selena?

If ever I've wanted to live vicariously through a fist, it's Orlando Bloom's as it met Justin Bieber's body two days ago. Which is a weird way of saying I think it's really awesome that Orlando Bloom punched Justin Bieber and everyone agrees with me. Since the punch — which was allegedly thrown because Bieber said he slept with Bloom's ex-wife Miranda Kerr — a picture of Bloom and Bieber's ex Selena Gomez has been floating around. Also floating around are rumors that Bloom and Gomez have been doing the sex, which her "sources" claim are false. I don't believe them. Here's why.

1. "Sources"

Literally everyone is a "source." You are a source. Your grandma is a source. Your butcher's first cousin's infant is a source. The only people who actually know if Gomez and Bloom are schtupping are Gomez and Bloom. Call me when they swear on a bible that they haven't hooked up. I'll probably screen the call and text, "Hey who is this?" But then I'll be like, "Oh yeah, I did ask you to call me." Anyways...

2. It's Hollywood

If Lindsay Lohan's infamous sex list taught us anything, it's that every famous person hooks up with every famous person. In fact, Lohan's list includes "Orli Bloom." Which brings me to my next point...

3. She's His Type

Based on the chicks Bloom has at the very least been rumored to have dated, Gomez fits the bill. There's Lohan, who's got the "child star all grown up" thing. Check. There' Kerr, who's got the "hot little spinner" thing. Check. There's Nina Dobrev, who's got the "sexy little firecracker actress" thing. Check. Ergo, check.

4. He Punched Justin Bieber

Although Justin Bieber has given us all totally justifiable reasons to punch him simply by being Justin Bieber, celebrities like Orlando Bloom need to hold back the impulse to punch other celebrities because it will end up in the tabloids. Bloom must have been so enraged that he didn't have time to ponder the repercussions. Bieber saying he slept with Kerr is low, but perhaps he was also defending Gomez' honor.

5. It Would Be Smokin'

Pun intended.