What If Damon Dated 'Twilight's Rosalie?

Sorry, Delena fans, but it looks like Mystic Falls' most broodiest vampire has moved on to a new blood-sucking babe. Of course, the romance will have to be long-distance (she was last seen taking up residence in Forks, Washington) and will have a miles-wide fandom chasm to overcome. Yes, Damon Salvatore might just be hooking up in a hot-blooded way with Rosalie Hale of the Twilight universe. Okay, so not really. The real scoop is that Ian Somerhalder, who plays the hottest vampire, with the most expressive eyebrows around, may or may not be getting hot and heavy with Nikki Reed, who portrayed Elsa-level ice queen Rosalie in the Twilight films.

The evidence: The two were spotted canoodling (yes, full-on canoodling, folks) at a farmer's market Sunday and that has been taken as evidence by the gossip mongers that they spent the whole weekend together (which isn't the least fair assumption — when was the last time you canoodled at a farmer's market as your only contact with someone over the course of a weekend?).

And now Twitter is buzzing with paparazzi shots of their it'll-make-you-kind-of-nauseous date. He does that weird choke-hug thing that would be terrifying if they weren't on a date and she's all smiles for it, so: DATE.

So, yeah, they look happy and cuddly and cute IRL, but who cares, really? Is anyone really thinking about Ian and Nikki on a date when they see these pictures? If you know who Ian and Nikki are, all you can think is "DAMON AND ROSALIE ARE DATING." And even if you weren't before, now you almost-definitely are.

But would Damon and Rosalie be all smiles and playful choke hugs at the farmer's market?

Of course not. They would be terrible in all of the most wonderful ways. Here is how their fictional relationship would play out (hopefully things work out better for Ian and Nikki).

Meet Cute: Rosalie comes through Mystic Falls looking for a little fun and distraction after her totally-contrived-for-this-article breakup with Emmett. Damon is reeling from breakup No. 823,849 with Elena. He spots Rosalie at the bar at the Mystic Grill and shoots her his best come hither eyebrow wiggle. She rolls her eyes like she's so not into it and plays it cool. He too plays it cool. For several weeks, they pretend to hate each other.

The First Kiss: Some kind of fight is happening. Elena almost dies, as she does, and Damon saves her. She's all, "Thanks, you're such a good friend" because she's on one of her kicks where they shouldn't be together and Damon is all, "Screw this." He marches over to wherever Rosalie is staying and they kiss. This leads directly into…

The Consummation: Hot, hot sexy time ensues.

The Bickering: Are they a couple? Aren't they? They sure bicker like an old married couple. Rosalie is used to Emmett, who is all bulk and no brains. She and Damon are both smart and conniving and beautiful. Is there room in a relationship for that much cunning and sarcasm?

The Breakdown: Rosalie starts to check out of the relationship. Damon wants it to be a relationship, of course, because he's a Bad Boy with a Romantic Soul. She starts giving him the cold shoulder. Damon, who doesn't take rejection well (even though you'd think he'd be better with it, given all of the practice he's had), sees her cold shoulder and raises her some sarcastic barbs. Rosalie sees the barbs and raises him exasperated eye rolling. Damon sees the eye rolling and raises her a lot of unhealthy day-drinking. Rosalie uses this as her excuse to peace out.

The Breakup: There's screaming. There are tears. There's more screaming. There's passionate breakup sex. Then Rosalie crawls out of bed stealth-like and leaves Mystic Falls because she is too cool and too old for this makeup/breakup high school relationship drama.

The Aftermath: Rosalie gets back together with Emmett because it's the implicit conceit of the Twilight universe that any couple Stefenie Meyers creates are #SOULMATES. Damon kills some people and broods over his undying love for Elena because it's the implicit conceit of The Vampire Diaries that no one can ever be happy, ever.

And that is why Rosalie and Damon can never work, kids. They come from different worlds, literally. And in one of those worlds, true love and happy endings exist and in the other, they're just phantoms, dangled like a carrot in front of the characters and the audience because #HEARTBREAKEVERYWHEREALWAYS.

But you know, good luck to Ian and Nikki with the dating and the canoodling.

Images: The CW; Summit Entertainment