Well, That Escalated Quickly

Here’s what I've learned about the Game of Crowns cast so far: 1) All six women do pageants, 2) at least half are never not ready to take a confrontation from zero to 60 mph (especially if said confrontation occurs in an airport baggage claim), and 3) almost all of them are ready to talk mad smack and spread rumors at the drop of a tiara.

Leha's husband was at the epicenter of Sunday night's gossip/speculation/rumor chaos, and the remarks made at Nick's expense weren't "he has hair plugs" or something equally innocuous. Shit was serious. Look, the dude's behavior at the pageant was completely bananas. I won't say it wasn't. Not jumping to his defense. Also? I don't know his story. I don't know what's true and what's not. What I do know: It's only the second episode and I was NOT ready for the show to take things to that level. So much for easing into this program. Looks like I have no choice but to put on my pageant-issued two-piece and cannonball in. (See you tomorrow! See you tomorrow! See you tomorrow!)

During the Mrs. America pageant, Nick called out the non-competing women for hooting and hollering about Leha and Lori-Ann. One of the non-competing women turned to the others and said Nick packs heat (well, he is a cop) and would shoot them (wait, what?) if they didn't chill out. Like, I don’t know if this was a joke or if they were genuinely scared he might lose his cool, but CRIMENY. What a thing to say about a person when you’re mic’d. (Same goes for everything they said about Leha before the pageant. I know y'all want to give us compelling TV, and I realize this is a show about beauty pageants, but ripping into someone's physical appearance to that degree while the cameras are rolling is just... ufta.)

After the pageant*, Susanna said she’d heard some not-so-sterling things about Nick. Someone asked if he’s abusive, and Susanna said she thinks so, but she didn't have cold hard facts to back this up. CRIMENY CRIMENY CRIMENY. Here's a novel idea: If you suspect someone's in an abusive relationship, do what you can to help that person. Oh, and! Avoid flippantly gossiping about the relationship on national television. Call me old-fashioned.

A few days later (I think?), there was a “let’s make nice” dinner. At said "let's make nice" dinner, Susanna and Lynne told Leha that Nick threatened to kill Lynne. Vanassa and Shelley all but lugged out a record player just so they could drag the needle over the vinyl and bring the music to a screeching halt. Nick did WHAT?! We heard Nick's dad threaten Susanna's husband, yes, but the cameras didn't catch Nick say anything of the sort to Lynne. Shelley appeared to be incredulous, and Vanassa said Susanna and Lynne were lying. Let me get this straight: Either A) Nick really did threaten Lynne or B) they fabricated that story. CRIMENY TO BOTH OPTIONS. ALSO? CRIMENY TO NICK'S DAD THREATENING SUSANNA'S HUSBAND. WHAT THE HELL IS IN THE WATER AT THESE PAGEANTS?

I have an inkling this show has only just begun to wear me down. Pageants stress me out. Shouting stresses me out. Threats stress me out. Accusations stress me out. Maybe-lies stress me out. Hairspray stresses me out. Will I keep watching? But of course. I live for the thrill.

*Could the competitors hear Nick and the non-competing women scream at one another? Like, they were YELLING. If I were in the pageant and that sort of display was going on in the crowd, I’d sweat off all of my makeup and demand a nap.

Image: Bravo