We're Never Mad When Simon Calls

Typically, I'd rather be trapped in an elevator with a giant gnat than know a real-life (or iPhone game) human who feels compelled to call me at least once an hour, but I'm more than happy to give Kim Kardashian: Hollywood 's Simon Orsik a pass. He's a treasure, that Simon. After a quick scan through some recent tweets about Simon Orsik, it's abundantly clear that a majority of the folks playing the game do not share my affinity for the out-of-touch talent manager. Yes, he's a tad naggy, but he means well. He just wants to help further my avatar's career however he can! Aaaand it doesn't hurt that he's a dork. Some of the crap that comes out of his cartoon mouth is so funny and specific that I can't help but wonder if there is a real person who inspired him. (I've yet to find the answer.) Whoever wrote his lines gets me. He's on another level.

Yeah, my avatar is fine. Every now and again, her responses to awkward situations make me chuckle, but for the most part, she’s sort of standard. Kim is Kim, so I adore her, natch. However, Kim's lines are fairly predictable. Maria the PR guru is a wonderful spaz, but she can be a little intense. Luther Alexander is grumbly as all get-out. Even when his arms are not folded, they’re folded, you know? Brandon Marlo makes my skin crawl. Eesh.

As for Simon? Simon is my favorite character, no contest. How do I love Simon? Let me count the ways:

He Makes Stuff Happen

Without Simon, my avatar would be left to her own devices. Do you know what that means? No photo shoots, no club appearances, and no fashion shows. Her career would slow waaaaay down. Maria would hook her up with some gigs, sure, but they'd be few and far between. The avatar would probably wind up spending the majority of her days going on dates. Do you know how boring going on dates is in this game?

And He Never Holds A Grudge

Oh, you don't have the energy to do a photo shoot when Simon calls? Turn it down. No hard feelings. He'll say you can't count on there being a next time, but there's always a next time. Simon will ring you again in an hour with a fresh batch of offers.

He Gets By With A Limited Understanding of Technology

A true feat in this tech-driven society. He's mighty resourceful.

He Shares Sad-Yet-Hilarious Details From His Personal Life

I'd devour that memoir in a sitting.

He Says Stuff Like This:

...But He's Not Too Proud To Admit Uncertainty

He's Very Open About The Current State of His Bowels

Like, really open:

Let's be real: He had me in the palm of his hand the first time he dropped a farty truth bomb.

Images: Kim Kardashian: Hollywood