A Sober Translation of Miley's New Video

There's been a strange yet passionate artistic love affair between the Flaming Lips and Miley Cyrus: they've written songs together, gotten tattoos together, and even gone to a 2 Chainz show together. Now, their first video collaboration has been released, and you might get a contact high just from watching it. Titled "Blonde Superfreak Steals the Magic Brain," the movie stars Moby, a bedridden Cyrus (who had recently been hospitalized for an allergic reaction to antibiotics at the time), the Flaming Lips, and an unidentified nude woman. The NSFW video is akin to a trippy first-year art school project: it's goofy and campy, there's no discernable plot, and scenes jump back and forth over noise music with seemingly no rhyme or reason. It's a veritable explosion of color, visuals, and sound, but it's a little difficult to follow.

But never fear. With the help of some, ahem, interesting descriptions of the video from the Flaming Lips' Wayne Coyne via Rolling Stone, this drug-addled experimental video can be translated into something understandable (although still nonsensical). You don't have to stop watching the video halfway through with this handy dandy guide. So let's take it scene by scene, shall we?

We open: Miley Cyrus is laying in bed, drooling, pills by her side and holding some sort of pink and purple wiggling goo.

Translation: Miley Cyrus is in a drug-induced coma, holding the brain of John F. Kennedy. Apparently, this brain is incredibly valuable because it contains the formula for LSD (you couldn't just read some Albert Hoffman instead?).

Cut to: A very creepy Moby in a hood orders a blonde lady to "get the braaaaaain!"

Translation: Moby is an evil cult leader, who (obviously) wants the brain. Why does he need the brain so badly? And what's with his insane voice? Unfortunately, these are things we'll never learn. But hey, at least we get a rare bit of dialogue that orients us in the story!

And then: A swimming beetle.

Translation: I have no idea. This beetle just kinda shows up sometimes.

Action strikes! Blonde Naked Lady, covered in tinsel, comes in and takes the brain. Cyrus awakes, instantly shouting "WHERE'S MY F*CKING BRAIN!"

Translation: Okay, this is at least understandable. Blonde Naked Lady takes brain, Miley Cyrus wants brain back. It's a classic girl-meets-brain story.

Then: Miley Cyrus calls up to a spaceship and uses all the curse words she knows to ask for help from a man in a Santa suit, pope hat, and a mask covered in macaroni and another figure in a giant brown coat, feathers, a curly wig, and some weird tubey things.

Translation: Ah yes, it's Cyrus's good friends Burned-Face Santa and Lesbian Bigfoot! Of course! They've been conveniently hovering in a spaceship nearby and have now been enlisted to help our pop star heroine in her quest for brain.

Scene: Weird interlude of what is hopefully just red food coloring in oil!

Translation: Again, I have no freaking clue. It's just there.

Scene: The Flaming Lips have finally arrived, and they're playing instruments dressed as rainbows, flowers and mushrooms in a box painted to look like the sky.

Translation: The Flaming Lips are just watching this whole thing play out in the Sky Room, okay? Don't ask questions.

And then: A chaotic mashup of scenes that include Miley Cyrus smoking weed, Moby chanting, Wayne Coyne singing, our good friend the swimming beetle, more red food coloring in oil, an explosion of rainbow colors, a woman with lips painted to look like an eye smoking a cigarette, the many different parts of Blonde Naked Lady, and Blonde Naked Lady with the brain being chased by Burned-Face Santa and Lesbian Bigfoot.

Translation: So, obviously, Miley Cyrus is distraught over her missing brain and Moby is summoning an evil rainbow, all while Burned-Face Santa and Lesbian Bigfoot are in pursuit of the brain.

A change in events: Lesbian Bigfoot and Burned-Face Santa have their faces stepped on until pink goo comes out of their mouths. The brain lies alone in a field, with only a furry animal for company.

Translation: Blonde Naked Lady steps on Lesbian Bigfoot and Burned-Face Santa, killing them. But no one wins in the end: it's a baby mole that ends up with the brain.

I feel like we've all learned a lot here, don't you?

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