Dave Franco & Alison Brie Are Dating. Um, What?

"Dave Franco is off the market." Usually those six words would be enough to strike fear and pain into the hearts of women all over the world, but that's not even the craziest part. The littlest Franco has been off the market for a whopping TWO whole years! That's 24 months of fantasizing about being Mrs. Dave Franco that I could have spent as Mrs. Zac Efron instead. I've clearly been living under a rock for the past two years, and that rock's name is denial. Regardless, while under normal circumstances this devastating news would be enough to make me roll up into a little ball and cry while Chris Hemsworth braids my hair and tells me I'm pretty, it turns out Dave Franco's girlfriend is Alison Brie, the hilarious "Community" comedienne and the Trudy Campbell. Really, you two? Are you trying to give birth to the world's most hilarious child? Sheesh. Overachievers.

Anyways, what we really need to know is how this teeny-tiny match made in heaven (she's 5'3", he's 5'7") came to be. As previously stated, they're kind of perfect and adorable. (So adorable I might dub them "Dalison." Or possibly, "Frie." I'll work on it.) But they're also super low-key and über-private, so the've managed to stay way under the radar while everyone was too busy obsessing over the other Franco's dating life. While this is all well and good and they're probably going to stay together forever, far away from the harsh lights of Hollywood that have doomed so many celebrity relationships before them, and basically be a living Disney fairytale and be happy for ever and ever and then some, I need to know, guys. I need to know how this beautiful union was created.

Here's what we know:

2012

The lovebirds were first snapped shopping for groceries together in 2012. He held her hand! He kept an eye on the paparazzi! Clearly the start of something good. It was reported that he also made an appearance at Le Poisson Rouge where her band, The Girls, was performing, to cheer on his lady.

2013

They created this glorious Funny or Die video in 2013, where they played a guy and a girl. Dating each other. Who love each other. It's great. They're great. We all die.

They also went for a walk in the cold later that year, which forced them to hold hands to stay warm, and then later they probably gave each other eskimo kisses over steaming cups of hot cocoa.

2014

The couple was spotted strolling through the Milan airport in comfy, low-key clothes that basically say, "Hey, we're in love, and that means we accept each other with or without make-up."

And that's all we know! They're cute, they're funny, and they sometimes exit airports. Oh well, carry on, you guys. Keep getting snapped by the paparazzi only every once in a while so we can continue to exclaim, "Whaaaat?! They're dating?!" every few months.