If you're like me, you probably spent Friday night doing something fun like going to see a band, watching a movie with friends, or dancing to Robyn in a birthday tiara. You probably weren't sitting around waiting for the world of entertainment news to reveal that Time Warner Cable completely removed CBS and Showtime from its cable lineup at midnight on August 2. And so, at 9 PM on Sunday night, you were probably furious that instead of your guide providing a place to select Dexter as a viewing option, it simply read "Data Not Available" and you experienced what it's like to "watch" Dexter as a customer of Time Warner Cable.
Step 1: Disbelief
You reach the Showtime section of the premium channels range on your Time Warner Cable box and find the rash and impersonal "Data Not Available" message. Your brain, however, will not accept this as fact. A premium channel, the cost of which could cover the strong, fancy cocktail you'll need to recover from this travesty, does not simply disappear.
Step 2: Anger
Without the release of Dexter's bloody adventures, your rage builds uncontrollably. You begin wailing in pain until your neighbors either begin pounding on the wall/ceiling or begin blasting trap music to drown out what they believe is unnecessary noise. They are wrong. They simply can't understand the bond between a TV junkie and one very special Miami serial killer.
Step 3: Despondence
Finally, you're exhausted from expelling your anger (and, possibly, dehydrated if you were driven to tears). You begin to contemplate how meaningless life will be without Dexter before realizing that this eighth season is all the time you have left with the talented Mr. Morgan. Repeat Step 2, only with more rage this time.
Step 4: Think About Letting Your Own Dark Passenger Loose
Pirating TV shows is against your moral code. Legions of people make a living by making television, and you wouldn't dream of delving into the illegal downloading world just so you can get your fix. But then, you start to crave the sound of coffee in a grinder, set to the plucky Dexter theme song.
You watch the intro in a fan-captured video on YouTube over and over until your roommate threatens to throw your computer out the window. You grab a pair of headphones and do it five more times and then realize that like Dex, you live by a code and illegal downloading is against that code. Your evening continues to be Dexter-less.
Step 5: Troll Twitter
At first, you're looking for those people you normally hate: folks who spoil every detail of an episode the second it happens. Instead, you find that Twitter is somehow full of polite users who've kindly teased the episode while expressing themselves with tweets like "Craziest episode of Dexter ever!" As you feel a repeat of Step 2 bubbling up, you find similarly angry people and through excessive retweets and favorites (you're not a Twitter slut, after all) find solace in your mutual distaste for a world without Showtime.
Step 6: Go to Bed Angry
It's now well past midnight. You've spent the remnants of your weekend energy on ire over missing what seems to be an incredible episode of Dexter, according to some 14-year-old tweeter who's making you feel inadequate with her 2,000 inexplicable followers. Finally, you realize that Showtime actually offered subscribers a real-time live-stream of the episode and that you missed it, but you have work tomorrow and your eyelids are heavier than your mother's strongest guilt trip. You shake your fists at the warring cable gods and cry yourself to sleep only to dream of being trapped under sheets of saran wrap while David Nevins and Robert D. Marcus laugh maniacally over your immovable body.
This, my TV-loving friends, is no way to live. So please, TWC and Showtime, figure out your differences quickly. We can't handle this routine for more than a single Sunday.
Image: Showtime
