Dear 'Sister Wives,' Sell Better (Cheaper) Jewelry

There are a lot of things about the Sister Wives' lifestyle that I wouldn't personally embrace, but there is one thing about the TLC reality family that I really love: The fact that the wives aren't at all financially dependent on husband Kody Brown. Secretly, I hope it's because the wives are real tired of Kody's crap, but it's probably more about the cost of supporting a family with 17 children (many of whom have either already started college or are about to. Yikes!). And while they're definitely off to a rocky start when it comes to their new business venture, My Sisterwife's Closet, the Brown women are still pouring all their energy into what began as Robyn's pet project, hoping to turn it into a stable source of income.

But before their jewelry starts flying off the virtual My Sisterwife's Closet shelves, I'm going to have to make a few suggestions. No. 1: Be less tacky. No. 2: Refer to No. 1. I want to love their designs. I really do. But I can't imagine the pieces they've come up with have any type of mass appeal to anyone but a select group of diehard Sister Wives fans, and for the type of success the Browns are seeking, that's just not going to cut it. And, um, prices. You're going to have to lower your prices.

And while the famous family is busy brainstorming marketing ideas with potential investors, I'm ready to offer up some criticism of my own. Sister Wives, listen up. I'm only here to help!

This necklace's cartoony "SW" can stand for "sister wife", or, as the website claims, "super woman," "strong woman," or "special woman." However, if you buy this — and especially if you paid the full, original price of $93.50, your priorities are "seriously wrong."

Supposedly, this pendant is a phoenix, but even when I squint and look at it sideways, this lump of metal still resembles a misshapen piece of lettuce with a head. Nothing about this necklace makes sense, until you scroll down to the bottom of the item's description and read that it was designed by Kody Brown. Suddenly, things are starting to come together.

And it's $209. I just want to let that price point sink in for a minute.

A $25 rose gold watch. Finally, we're doing something right here. I will buy anything as long as it comes in rose gold.

And for the low, low price of $220, you can buy a set of two sterling silver "friendship" rings for you and your BFF. However, I'm not 100 percent positive that any of my friends would ever want me to refer to them as a sister wife.

Can we also look into other fonts for the jewelry? I just feel like they opened up Microsoft Word and picked out the first one they scrolled past when deciding how they wanted to engrave their rings.

And, for the grand finale, the $55 pendant of the My Sisterwife's Closet logo. Supposedly, this is an abstract representation of four wives standing together, but all I see is the spider guy from Monster's Inc. with all those eyes.

And it's looking at me. Stop looking at me, My Sisterwife's necklace, I'm only trying to help.

Images: TLC, My Sisterwife's Closet