EPA to Employees: Stop Pooping in the Hallways

There are good places to poop, and then there are bad ones, as EPA employees pooping in the hallway in the agency's Denver office learned earlier this year. Government Executive got a copy of a memo written to all staff in the EPA's Region 8 (Mountains and Plains) headquarters to cut it out with the bathroom hijinks, which included stuffing paper towels down the toilet and leaving feces in the hallway.

Leaving aside the fact that the nation's Environmental Protection Agency still has paper towels in its staff bathrooms (haven't you guys heard of the plane engine-imitating XLERATOR hand dryer yet?), it's also environmentally unsafe to leave poop in places that aren't toilets, according to the memo GovExec published from Deputy Regional Administrator Howard Cantor.

Cantor told staff that the agency had to recruit a specialist who deals with these types of fecal matters and other acts of workplace violence, John Nicoletti, who told them the poop was a risk to workers' health. Yes, leaving your poop in the hallway is considered an act of workplace violence.

Nicoletti also apparently warned that the fecal behavior would "probably escalate," which we can only imagine means poop appearing in other areas of the workplace. Conference rooms! Walls! Elevators!

Cantor also warned the employees to watch where they squat.

Management is taking this situation very seriously and will take whatever actions are necessary to identify and prosecute these individuals.

Researching pooping problems at the office usually nets a good deal of results from people who are fearful of pooping at the office — not people brazen enough to poop in non-poopy areas. (Read: Anywhere except the bathroom.)

^ Not real poop. Seriously, this was from an art exhibition. What do you think this is, a poop site?

The EPA wouldn't tell GovExec whether or not they ever caught the poopster. Er, the poopetrator. The poopsmith. OK, OK, I'm done.

EPA cannot comment on ongoing personnel matters. EPA’s actions in response to recent workplace issues have been deliberate and have focused on ensuring a safe work environment for our employees. Our brief consultation with Dr. Nicoletti on this matter, a resource who regularly provides our office with training and expertise on workplace issues, reflects our commitment to securing a safe workplace.

Watch where you step at the EPA's offices in Denver, people.