Who's The Skunk In The Barnyard?

Who is in charge of calendars? Can we change the word “Monday” to “Chairgateday”? I don’t know what your life is all about, but every Monday morning, I don’t think Ugh I hate Mondays or Ugh I miss the weekend already or Ugh I'm definitely stuck to this pillow so I guess I'll stay here forever. Instead, I think UH OH, IT’S CHAIRGATEDAY! And Monday night's Real Housewives of Orange County is more Chairgate-y than I anticipated. Heather Dubrow and Shannon Beador’s feud reaches new heights. Shannon confronts Heather, it's a hot mess, and Chairgate rages on.

Why is Shannon peeved at Heather this week? SOMEONE [wink wink] told Heather about David Beador's email to Shannon, Heather gabbed about the email with friends, and her gabbing got back to the Beadors. And now, the Beadors' marital issues are Newport rumor mill fodder.

Shannon asks Tamra Judge about the new email drama (because Tamra should be the only person who knows about it), Tamra says she didn't say anything to Heather, and Shannon says she believes Tamra. O RLY, Shannon? Okay, Shannon.

Before Shannon goes to Heather’s house to confront her about the email, Shannon’s daughters sit on an ottoman and sing a song. A song that is all too fitting: Skunk in the barnyard, P.U./Somebody did it, not you!

OH MY GOD. Did a producer tell those girls to sing that song? Or was it nothing more than a coincidence? A brilliant, perfect coincidence?

So who might the skunk in the RHOC barnyard be? Who farted out Shannon’s personal business to Heather? HMMMMMM? Shannon asks Heather point-blank. And within minutes, the skunk droppings hit the fan and coat the walls of the Dubrow household.

Here's what happens (I think): Heather commandeers the conversation and addresses the Christmas party instead. Shannon brings the convo back to the email. Heather doesn’t explicitly say whether or not Tamra is the skunk in the barnyard. Heather sort of admits she talked about Shannon’s marital issues with friends. Shannon and Heather yell at each other. Heather says they aren’t close enough for Shannon to grill her like this. And before I can really process whatever it is Heather says (I think Heather would like me, because any time she starts arguing, I zone out and lose track of what’s going on. I’d never care enough to fight back. I’d shrug and be like, “eh, whatevs”), Heather tells Shannon to leave.

HEATHER KICKS SHANNON OUT OF HER HOUSE

My head has yet to stop spinning.

I... Woof.

On the drive home, Shannon calls David. In between sobs, she verbalizes what she's probably known all along (but didn't want to accept): Tamra told Heather. Heather just indirectly confirmed it. Tamra is the skunk in the barnyard. Oh, Tamra. Somebody did it, YES you.

All of the non-Vicki Gunvalson Housewives pair up and discuss the Shannon/Heather conflict.(Where's Vicki? The OG Housewife is whooping it up in Mexico.) Tamra decides she needs to talk to Shannon again. She invites her to dinner.

When Shannon and Tamra have their realtalk dinner, Tamra doesn’t waste any time: Shannon’s barely seated before Tamra admits she spilled the beans about the email to Heather. Her reasoning: She wanted Heather to understand where Shannon’s coming from, and she’d hoped this information would make Heather show more compassion.

Oops, it backfired.

Tamra feels rotten for the bean spillage and for lying to Shannon. Shannon tells Tamra she appreciates her fessing up to the bean spillage. In a confessional, however, Shannon says she is disappointed and doubts she’ll ever trust Tamra again.

For those of you at home keeping score: Shannon and Heather are on terrible terms, Heather and Tamra are only recently back on good terms, Shannon and Tamra are now on shaky terms, Lizzie Rovsek is on Heather's side, and Vicki is on vacation. I think Vicki's on fine terms with everyone.

Wait, seriously? Vicki isn't currently embroiled in a battle? Whoa. [Slow clap into standing ovation] Well done, RHOC. Way to both literally and figuratively keep me on my toes.

Image: Bravo