The Story Of Claudia Schiffer, Evil Woodland Queen

Domenico Dolce and Stefano Gabbana may be guilty of tax evasion, but who cares about real life problems? The two designers are absolute magicians at conjuring up fantasy worlds. Remember the "dream of Sicily" they created for Spring 2014, complete with Roman coin earrings, heels inspired by temples, and fabric printed with monuments and ruins? Or what about the medieval fairytale they gave us for Fall 2014 Fashion Week, where they decorated their enchanted runway with woodland florals, metallic cowls fit for a knight, and prints of foxes and owls? At the moment, real life may be a little less than ideal for Dolce & Gabbana, but the two never fail to give us what we secretly want from fashion: A good story.

And a story is exactly what we're getting with their new Fall/Winter 2014/2015 ads, starring none other than '90s darling Claudia Schiffer. The photographs feature the clothes from Dolce & Gabbana's medieval fairytale collection, and as we'd expect, the whole plot takes place in a woods. A magical woods. A magical woods filled with royalty, commoners, and extremely gorgeous clothes. And don't think this is any sort of sympathy throwback gig — Schiffer rules these woods in a serious way.

Once upon a time:

The beautiful blonde peasant girl had always been a bit too flirtatious for her own good. The butcher, the baker, the candlestick maker — she'd dance with them all. Other girls played it cool in florals, but the peasant girl strapped on a corset dress and spun to the music.

As the music swelled, a new partner asked for her hand — the forest's ancient doctor, who some suspected of dabbling in black magic. The peasant girl shrugged, tossed her hair, and led him out to the dance floor, while the doctor leaned in and whispered that with the right clothes, he could "give her the world."

She spent all night thinking about the mysterious doctor's words. In the morning, she dressed up and went to court.

The ladies at court disapproved of her behavior. When she wasn't flirting with the fruit delivery boys, she was turning everything into a joke. She never knew when to curtsey and she certainly didn't know that the queen preferred her serving ladies to be seen and not heard.

The queen was especially displeased with the peasant girl's behavior and refused to make eye contact with her, though she told her confidants that the girl was "annoying, but harmless." Oh, how wrong she was.

One evening, just before supper, the peasant girl put on her most demure dress and approached the queen without being summoned. The court gasped, but grew silent when, with her most winning smile, the peasant girl offered the queen an apple.

"Thank you, my child," said the queen, who appeared mollified. "You're learning to behave, aren't you?" She reached out and gently pinched the peasant girl's cheek before biting into the apple.

For the rest of the night, the peasant girl was seen doing a strange dance through the halls, while the queen was nowhere to be seen. If you didn't know better, you might say this new dance looked...victorious.

The next day dawned, and imagine the court's shock when a new woman sat on the throne. She was blonde, bold, and beautiful, and she commanded the attention of the entire court, who bowed and smiled but couldn't quite place her. She looked so familiar — who was she? And where was the old queen? They shook their heads, fuzzily, and then drank a little more of the apple cider that the new queen poured out for them.

The new queen's reign wasn't peaceful for long. Her habit of flirting with the delivery boys never ceased, and the castle grew restless and upset. Certain ladies-in-waiting were very vocal about their disapproval of the queen's behavior. Everyone worried that this would end in blood as red as her serving-girls' uniforms.

One day, a gaggle of traveling musicians stopped by the castle, and within an hour, they'd convinced the restless new queen to run away with them. She was bored and sick of castle intrigue; besides, they said they were traveling to Istanbul to see the Hagia Sophia, and she wanted to see it, too. Royalty wasn't half as fun as she'd expected, anyway.

She packed one of the old doctor's poisoned apples in her purse, just in case.