It’s been announced that the little Westdashian will be a girl, much to the delight of her parents and sad horror of the general public. Everyone is aflutter, wondering why Kanye has been so distant (Paris, dude? Really?), why Kim wore her great-grandmother’s wallpaper to the MET gala, and why they’re having a baby together in the first place. However, in all this fuss, one has to consider the great wrong that is to come now that the baby’s sex has been determined: They’re totally going to start her name with a K. And this is bad. Very, very bad.
For one, we all know in our hearts that girls whose names start with K are trashier than those whose names start with C. If you’re a Kara or Karoline out there reading this, sorry, but think about it. Chloe: sounds like a French model. Khloe: gives blowjobs behind the Beach Hut for free cocaine. Crystal: could go either way. Krystal: had her first kid at 16, smokes Newports on her front porch for a living. The Kardashians are a notable exception, but even so, they’re not exactly known for being intelligent, talented, and classy. They’re known for that time Kim went to the doctor to prove she didn’t have assplants and the fact that their step-dad looks like his face has been cryogenically frozen for the last decade. Not a great start.
It seems like it goes without saying that a family in which everyone’s names start with K is fucking weird, but in case that was up for debate, I’m gonna go out there and confirm that it would be numbingly odd. Sisters starting with K is manageably strange, but a family unit of Ks? No thanks. What name could POSSIBLY negate such awkwardness, factoring in that the Kardashians have a predilection for trailer park names?
Attempt 1: Hi! We’re Kim and Kanye and this is our daughter Kassandra.
Attempt 2: Hey, we’re Kimye and this is our little girl, Klarity.
Attempt 3: Whaddup, I’m Kanye, this is Kim and this is our baby, Kandy.
Clearly none of those work, so I’m suggesting a change of direction. All the Kardashians are double Ks, as in their first names coincide with their last name, so I’m thinking Kimye should go with a W name, because Wanda/Whitney/Willow/Wendy West would be far cooler than just another K—insert stupid name here — Kardashian.
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