Capital-D Drama on tonight's 'Bachelorette'?!?

Because this is America, country of excess and giving the people what they want, we're graced this week with not one but two episodes of 1950s-style courtship set to a soundtrack of upcoming easy listening artists. Last night we saw Andi say goodbye to...well, a couple of dudes we didn't know (except opera guy, who made sure we knew him really well). Oh, and Andrew -- who could just as easily have called himself "Andy" and confused all of us -- incited the wrath of some of the Good Guy suitors by taking a waitress' phone number.

If you're asking "do you think we'll follow up on that high school plot thread tonight?" then you have never seen an episode of this show before (and how I envy you!), because OF COURSE we'll get at least 40 minutes of it, maybe more.

9:45pm: Eric's going home, right?

First: SLING YOU PIECE OF SHIT

Second: From what I can gather, piecing together literal frames of television, it seems like Andi just sent Eric home. Yes?

(THIS IS THE ONLY INTERESTING THING THAT'S HAPPENED ON THE BACHELORETTE IN **FOUR HOURS** AND YOU'VE GOT TO CRAP OUT ON ME NOW?!? JESUS.)

(Sorry.)

It turns out the issue tonight wouldn't be Andrew, despite our best predictions. Nope -- Eric blew up his chances with Andi by getting all in his head and then, you know, saying some stuff he shouldn't have said. Never question the Bachelorette method, Eric. Didn't you see what happened to Juan Pablo?

(Redacting that a little, Eric was oddly rude with Andi, certainly in a way I wasn't expecting. Even after the first conversation I think we were all kind of ready for the guy to go home.)

9:30pm: Love letters and second-chance kisses and blowups

Andi gets a love letter from a secret admirer and you know -- fuck that guy. Stop dancing around the fact that you're on a reality show, being "playful" with the rules. I bet it was Nick V. I'm confident it was Nick V.

Oooooooohhhhhh Brian why are you trying to recreate that basketball moment from the other night!? Andi likes it, because she's a sweetheart, but come on, Brian.

Then Eric swoops in on another dude's time, eager to tell her everything he possibly can in about ten minutes to assuage his fears about what's going on with Andi. And it's a PUMP THE BRAKES moment of the highest order. "You're not being the Andi...with me." OH BROTHER. "I came on this to meet a person, not a TV actress."

NOT WHAT YOU WANTED TO SAY, BUDDY.

9:20pm: Boring dinner time!

Man oh man, Andi is falling for the most boring guys on this show. Marcus. Dylan. Brian. Eric looks like Keith Richards compared to some of these guys, I swear.

Then they go dancing, and they kiss, but who cares. I'm suddenly really upset that Eric Hill is dead, beyond the normal sadness you feel for the demise of another human being. Sorry if that's dark...it's just that sometimes you watch this show and all you can think is that life is short, and in any case too short for guys who can't hold a dinner conversation.

9:06pm: Marcus and Andi rappel down a building

I assume the building is Mohegan Sun? They'd have paid enough for the publicity, right? They should get the whole episode.

Now, I've only watched two Bachelorette seasons in my young-ish life but it seems like "fear of heights date" is a pretty common staple, right? You just do it. (Lord help you if you're the guy afraid of heights stuck with this date.) Basically it's a chance for the guy to prove how cool under pressure he is, what a rock he can be. And if you make it through without crying? You're pretty much locked in for at least three more weeks.

Problem here: ANDI IS FREAKING THE F**K OUT. Hahaha and they're rappelling right outside the guys' window. And naturally, the guys are dickishly banging on the glass. Hahahaha DUDES.

8:51pm: Eric and Andi clear the air, I guess?

Eric: "I want to know it's gonna be different the next time we hang out...that it's not some formal thing."

Then Brian whisks Andi back to the basketball court, where Andi can't stop talking about how hot Brian -- who we should note is wearing an argyle sweater -- looks. Okay! She's into dad-looking guys, I get it.

Then creeper Nick V. gets his time in, saying stuff like "every moment with you is profoundly better than I could imagine." Maybe it's true (it's probably true), maybe it's not, but I just can't get over that goofy grin. Obviously I am Bachelorette's target audience.

So who among these men will get the Rose? I mean who that isn't Marquel, sorry Marquel, will get the Rose? BRIAN.

(Nick. Is. Apoplectic.)

8:41pm: Love is fleeting but this basketball game is forever

The Rosebuds have Brian, who let's remember is a high school basketball coach. They absolutely dominate the white team (named...I don't know, probably the Creampuffs or Wedding Dresses WAIT "Five of Hearts"), who has to "go back to their hotel room and eat cereal."

Five of Hearts post-mortems the game in the locker room. "We had so much heart! We were fighting every step of the way!"

8:28pm: Suitors vs. WNBA

Actually, the gender-split game doesn't last long. "Let's be honest, they [the WNBA players] completely schooled the guys." So Andi, wanting to see the guys build up a head of steam and maybe kiss each other what who said that, has them compete against each other. Sure, there's the reward of more time with Andi for the winning team. But really, this is about unbridled testosterone spilling all over a parquet floor. Andi might as well not even be there.

They play a little. Everyone sweats. How will it end?!?

8:14pm: Strangers on a train (date)

A sampling of the exquisite conversation on this train: "Did you ever think you'd be on a train date in your hometown?" "......No." (To be fair, it's not long after that Dylan launches into the story of his sister's drug-related death, and brother's related health issues, so there's something underneath the lack of communication.)

It gets to Andi, as it would anybody. "Did I bring up bad memories for him? I didn't know." Then she goes out of her way to express that the Rose she's about to dole out is not a pity rose, not by any stretch, so don't think that for a second, Dylan.

(Dylan's got another two weeks, right? We can say that?)

8:00pm: Welcome, one and all, to....Connecticut?

The guys all hug and frolic in their deluxe bachelorette (lowercase for a reason) suite at the Mohegan Sun Resort & Casino in Somewhere, CT. Everyone's friggin' pumped that Dylan got the date card. Go, Dylan!

Andrew, aka the One No One Likes, thinks it's going to be difficult for Dylan to "get out of his head" and really embrace the unknown. In this case, "unknown" = riding a steam engine (Connecticut's premiere entertainment!).

Dylan's sort of...a man of few words on the train, which could be construed as depth but to this recapper looks a little like...a lack of chemistry. Andi, litigator, wants to get all the facts before she makes her decision.

Image: Parade Magazine/ABC