Don't Drink and 'Bachelorette', potential suitors!

It's just week two of The Bachelorette on what's shaping up to probably be a less than completely wild season (although who's to say? Juan Pablo didn't reveal the extent of his mania until at least week five), but we have already digested what is a major Bachelorette (and Bachelor) staple: the crazy drunk.

On Andi's Bachelor season, it was some super-young (by show standards, anyway) woman with major silicone enhancement who got schwasted by some schwanky hotel pool and proceeded to lose her cool, vomit, and cry. It was a something to behold! Now, like, three months later, Andi once again finds herself in the company of someone who either can't hold their liquor that well or just doesn't care to hold their liquor. It's usually some combination of the two!

Craig. Craig, Craig, Craig. To be fair, your personality was described as "overbearing" and "obnoxious" even without the addition of alcohol. And those are words from a guy who didn't even see you artificially stuffing your package at the stripper date, or repeatedly noting how "incredible" Josh's body was. Me, a TV recapper -- I like your energy, man! But for anyone living with you in such close quarters, yeah -- I can understand how that kind of behavior might be a little grating.

The writing was on the wall the moment Andi showed up for what she hoped would be a "serious" post date cocktail party. Here's everyone else sitting quietly. And here's you: "can we get to the cheers already so I can finally have a drink of this?!?" My notes read "problem drinker is going to be a problem."

Drunken rambling led to drunken stumbling around the house led to a briefly charming drunken moment with Andi...led to drunken launching yourself into the pool, then the hot tub in what looked like a blast but from Andi's vantage point could easily be construed as "not understanding what the purpose of the show is, really."

None of which should take away from the very nice apology song you wrote and performed later in the episode, taking yourself to task for acting a fool and asking Andi if she'd consider granting you another shot. It was sweet! And in the moment, she seemed to be into it (certainly more so than she was the opera singer's performance - "woooooow" in that faux-impressed tone). But in the end, it was just something our sweet Andi couldn't get past. You went home.

I guess there are a few lessons to be found in this tale of debauchery and regret. For one, always have identified one other guy in the room who's an even bigger drunk than you. That's paramount. Cutting every drink with a full glass of water is another pro-move that, while you'll be going to the bathroom every three minutes, will seriously prolong your drinking ability (or, you know, cut down your drunkenness). Don't be yell-y, even sober? Try to avoid pools when you're drunk, however tempting the prospect of jumping in in all your clothes (we've all seen Almost Famous). I think those are good ground rules to follow, for sure.

I liked you, Craig, I really did. The only question remains: who was the second-least sober guy in the room that night? He's who we've got our eye on next.