'The Bachelorette' Is Basically March Madness

Some people just aren’t sports people — it’s fine. Others will try to rob you of your pride, your social interactions, your sense of patriotism because of your proclivity for reality TV or pop culture referencing over team spirit and statistic droning… but they can’t rob you of your fun. You can make anything a sport if you try hard enough, for example, some casual, competitive, cut-throat Bachelorette drafting amongst friends. The reality TV fantasy league door has been blown wide open, and it’s not too late to get on board. There’s still time to line up your bracket and get a little healthy competition going with the other poor souls you know who will invest 40 hours in watching Andi Dorfman try to find love this season, and we’re here to steer you toward the winner’s seat.

After an almost disconcertingly non-awkward set of limo introductions last week, the table has been set for winning Andi’s affections and let’s just say some guys are bringing the wedding china, and some thought Chinet would suffice. Let us hook you up with a little insider trading on your sure things and you’re wild cards to win your Bachelorette bracket, and the love of Atlanta’s favorite “bad guy” putter-away-er. (Hint: We just watched the "This Season On" promo... a lot.)

Sure things

These guys should be in your Top 6: they’re all over the This Season On promo, they were featured prominently in the premiere, and they’re, uh, studs.

Josh M., pick for the win: Josh M. had Andi's attention from the moment he stepped out of the limo. Not only is he her type — "nailed it, pegged it, damn — but he's Georgia royalty: the brother of UGA all-star quarterback, Aaron Murray, and a former Bulldog footballer himself. If this guy makes it to the Final 2, where he meets Hy, Andi's hardass, UGA fanboy dad, he's a shoo-in.

Nick V., pick for runner-up: Winner of the First Impression Rose, This Season On villain, boy next door from a big family... where will we land on Nick V.? From the looks of the tux he's wearing in the promo, he's landing somewhere far enough along for evening wear. Nick V. gave Andi a whole new perspective on what her "type" could be; now, the question is, how far along in the process will she find out if her instincts were right or wrong?

JJ: Everyone's favorite Pantsapreneur didn't get a lot of face time in the trailer, but is there and very pointedly not taking a part in the fighting, a good sign for future marriage material. JJ made a strong (re: excellently dorky) first impression in the premiere, and just might be the easygoing, nice guy Andi needs to keep around until she breaks his heart after he meets her family.

Marcus: Marcus, you handsome bastard! Andi just wants to make out with Marcus' face, and as humanity has proven throughout the centuries, that is enough for at least a Top 6 finish.

Marquel: This cookie monster turned in one of the best premiere performances in years, and all it took was a platter of cookies from craft service and a Seinfeld reference. Of course, Andi didn't get that Seinfeld reference, so this might not be a true love connection, but Marquel looks like he does a lot of defending Andi's honor in the This Season On. A Top 6 Marquel finish would be a pleasant surprise, and a non-angry edit would be exactly the opposite.

Wild Cards

These fellas might not win Andi’s heart, but they’re at least around for some one-on-ones and don’t seem to be the instigators of her “I am EXHAUSTED. I am so exhausted” speech.

Cody: I know, I know Cody popped the collar of his blazer for the entirety of the premiere episode…but come on, the guy is endearing.

Chris: Oh farmer Chris, you’re not one for this highfalutin Bachelorette world, but you sure did get a makeout scene in this season’s trailer (and a pretty obvious “kicked to the curb” scene).

Tasos: Tasos had an impressive run in the premiere episode, with perhaps the least awkward limo into gimmick ever, and a nice little conversation with Andi that made her re-think her “type.”

Eric: It’s so tough knowing that Eric Hill, one of the cutest, nicest guys in the lineup passed away shortly after leaving the show. He’ll surely make it far, because who could resist that smile, but it seems even Andi realized he was too good for all this mayhem.

Dylan: Ole wet-hair didn’t get a lot of attention in last week’s premiere, but there were plenty of shots of him romancing our bachelorette throughout the season’s preview — it’s possible we have another Catherine “Sneak Attack” Giudici on our hands here.

And the rest

Bradley, Brett, Brian, Carl, Nick S., Patrick, Ron — best of luck, gentlemen. May you find your love the old fashioned way...in a bar.

Image: ABC (2)