Bikinis can serve many different purposes. For me, their purpose is to make me feel uncomfortable about parts of my body that I previously had barely any idea even existed. For others, the bikini's job is simply to tan/expose as much skin as possible. And hey, everyone likes a nice even tan, right? Well, apparently not. In case you haven't been in the exotic bikini section lately (I tend to avoid that aisle, too), there's a whole slew of barely-there bathing suits out there that will leave you with tan lines beyond your wildest imaginations — and they must be pretty popular, because companies just keep on making 'em.
Want to look like some sort of Aztec design? Is your goal to appear as if you fell asleep under a giant zig zag? While I may not understand what's going through your minds, don't worry because apparently retailers really, really do. Whatever your bizarre tanning dream is (I think there's a possible TLC show in there somewhere...), thanks to the Internet and the selling power of the bikini, there's a suit out there for you. So grab your tanning oil, kick off those flip flops, and prepare to look very, very strange. Here are 11 of the best swimsuits for getting the weirdest tan lines. Ever.
1. Dream Suit
Simply add sun to transform into your own personal, human dreamcatcher.
Beaded Macrame Bandeau Swimsuit, $66.69, asos.com
2. Triangle
Because sometimes, you just want to tan a random, completely impractical triangle section of your skin and nothing else, right? No, just me? Oh.
Lolli Flor Drapped Criss Cross One Piece Swim Suit, $264.85, asos.com
3. Um
This bikini set is literally named "caged chaos." I will just leave you with that.
Caged Chaos Bikini Set, $98, nastygal.com
4. I Don't Even Know What To Say About This
Go get your suspender tan on, girl.
Lolli Uncaged Swimsuit, $168, nastygal.com
5. Diamonds...Everywhere
In theory, having diamonds all over my body sounds good to me. But not this way, no...not this way.
Agent Provocateur Mazzy Cutout Swimsuit, $450, net-a-porter.com
6. Crochet, Ok
Except not ok. Not at all. Let's just think about how wrong this tanning situation could go.
Robin Piccone Raquel Portrait Back One-Piece Swimsuit, $154, nordstrom.com
7. A 'One Piece' But Not At All
Ok, how can this really be defined as a one piece? I beg to differ.
Beach Riot The High Roller One Piece Swimsuit, $142, tobi.com
8. Turn Some Heads
There are literally too many disturbing things going on here for me to even say anything about the suit. I have to just look away.
Civil Clothing Loud Mouth Knotted One Piece, $88, tobi.com
9. A Spine...For The Front Of You?
In this moment, I have never been more confused by anything than I am by the existence of the monokini. Never.
Zeki Swimwear 2014 Brown Detachable Monokini, $249, southbeachswimsuits.com
10. Stripey
Nothing accessorizes an outfit quite like stripes going up and down your sides.
L Space 2014 Threads Congo Wild Side One Piece, $150, southbeachswimsuits.com
11. So Many Crocheted Swimsuits, So Little Time
All I have to say is that if you came back from tanning and you didn't look like you had a really weird rash, I would be impressed.
Lisa Maree Sea Swimsuit, $178, nastygal.com
(PS: There is, of course, an easy way to rock all these unique suits without ending up striped and polka dotted: lots and lots of sunscreen.)
