The Not Fake At All Interview With A Dino

It's a great time to be a dinosaur. The prehistoric beasts are having a bit of a renaissance after several years of Creationist ballyhoo sent them back 1,000 or so years. (The world is so young!) But with re-ignited fascination on the rise thanks to the excitement surrounding Jurassic World , it seems like everywhere you go, dinosaurs are getting in on the action. Like Rupert the Tyrannasaurus Rex — a sports enthusiast and actor in addition to his everyday life as a terrifying prehistic predator — who threw out the first pitch at Wednesday's game. We were able to spend a few totally real and not-at-all fake* minutes with Rupert following his baseball debut.

Bustle: Rupert — thanks so much for chatting with us

Rupert the T-Rex: Oh please, call me Ru. Only my in-laws call me Rupert.

B: Well if I call you Ru they might mistake you for RuPaul.

R: Well you should know, I could work a dress better than him any day. [Laughs] I've got serious tail on my side!

B: Them's fightin' words!

R: [Pretending to be RuPaul] "Bronty, you stay. Velociraptor — you've gone extinct. It's time to sashay away."

B: Well congratulations on returning to the spotlight!

R: I know, it's been, gosh, 10 billion years?

B: Well there was that whole renaissance in the 90s.

R: Ahh yes, the Jurassic Park years. I did so many drugs back then it's amazing my brain still works!

B: That must've been an exciting time.

R: [Wistfully] That it was, that it was... [Laughs] I was so naïve back then.

B: How so?

R: Well they don't tell you that as quick as it comes it all goes away. It was a tough lesson to learn as a T-Rex just poppin' up on the scene. I thought I had it made in the shade.

B: That must've been hard.

R: So hard! And you get so typecast after things like that came out.

B: I bet.

R: It's like, hello! I'm so much more than a terrifying monster. I've got feelings, too! But no, people only wanted Rupert the Destroyer, Rupert the Human-Killer, Rupert the Maker of Nightmares. And I did that for awhile, sure, but it starts to drag on you after a bit.

B: How so?

R: Well, for example, like, kids: I LOVE kids. I adore them! Show me a kid and I'll show you me as a reformed puppy. I just want to play catch with them, see the world through their eyes. They're magical, really!

B: Aww.

R: But after Jurassic Park everyone was terrified of me, all the time! Do you know how isolating that is? Even other dinosaurs were like "oh great, It's the Cretaceous Period all over again!" But it's like, no! I'm not that same dinosaur.

B: How could you be?

R: I've matured in these past 67 million years. I'm no spring chicken anymore!

B: But now you're back — and Jurassic World is currently filming, which you're in! Could you tell us a bit about that?

R: Oh gosh I wish I could! It's going to be a lot of fun. That's all I can really say.

B: Aww, really? That's it?

R: [Director Colin] Trevorrow's tough, man! He doesn't like to give away much. He's a real hard-ass, that one.

B: It must be fun working with Chris Pratt and Jake Johnson.

R: Oh man those two are hysterical. As is everyone on cast! Pratt and I have gotten into a bit of a prank war. And I've really bonded with Vinny. D'Onofrio. He just gets it, you know?

B: I believe it.

R: He understands The Craft of it all, you know? He knows sometimes you gotta go a little crazy to play crazy. It works. He's a chill dude. And Judy Greer is fantastic, too.

B: She's great! We love her at Bustle.

R: Isn't she? I never understood why she's been so underappreciated her whole career. She's a genius, really!

[Publicist cuts in to let us know we have only a few more minutes.]

R: They keep me on a short leash. Literally and metaphorically. They have to because of my arms.

B: Better to keep you in line when cartoon friars are around.

R: Ha! Yeah, you saw that, right? That little shithead [laughs]. No, Tony's great. Real swell guy, I just like to scare him a little bit from time to time. Snap at him and the like. He thinks I'm such an animal, that guy!

B: Well with a pitch like that!

R: You like that, the mouth pitch?

B: It was very impressive.

R: Well with tiny arms like these you really have to be inventive with your approach, you know what I mean?

B: I don't but I believe you.

R: Oh I always forget, you humans. You have NO idea how good you have it, being all proportional and all.

B: Not all of us are!

R: Oh that's true. My main men McConaughey and Cee Lo Green know how I feel!

B: [Laughs] You guys friends?

R: Oh yeah, we hang out all the time! I can never say no to a McConaughey drum circle. And Cee Lo was the one who taught me the ball-in-mouth trick. By using my teeth I not only get a better grip, but I can project the ball using a shot of breath to keep it on the proper trajectory.

B: Impressive! What's it like, being back in the spotlight after all these years?

R: It's nice, it's nice. Starting off slow with the baseball stuff helps.

B: Big sports fan?

R: Huge! Always been a fan of baseball, way back even to the time when the neanderthals called it "UNGHHUNGH" an they used sticks and rocks instead of bats and balls.

B: Wow!

R: I'm what you call a fanatic — but not the Phillies' kind because those guys are the worst.

B: Uh oh, you're going to start a serious baseball beef!

R: Bring it on! Lest they forget I'm a motherfucking dinosaur.

B: I'm sure they won't after this. Great talking with you Rupert.

R: You, too. Have a great weekend and GO PADRES!

* Duh. Obviously this was totally fake. I MEAN C'MON GUYS.

Image: MLB