What We'd Program on the New TV Network for Cats

Did you know there's a television network for cats now? Of course there is, because this is 2014 where cats rule the world (or at least the Internet), so really, it was only a matter of time. Especially when that network is an online-based service. The new channel, called Cats 24/7 — "All cats, all the time. 24/7/365. We've got kittens too. Meow-mazing" the description reads — comes from the folks at Pluto.TV and features programming such as Scaredy Cats, Putting Up with Humans, and Cats Gone Viral! (Which is, you guessed it: a show dedicated exclusively to Internet cat videos.) Clearly, this network is going to be an unprecedented success. No more will kittens need people to sing Katy Perry songs to them to be entertained.

Which is why we've decided to do exactly what comes next: Hollywood-ify it in order to amp its programming up to eleven. It's time to bring on the audacious reality series and riveting scripted dramas and comedies. Given that we are currently in the midsts of that all-important "pilot season" for television's movers and shakers, what better way to take that extra step than by pitching our plan for the 2014/2015 season's potential programming slate for your amusement?

The Catnip Diaries

Set in the 1970s, The Catnip Diaries follows the coming-of-age story of adolescent kitten Butterfinger. Watch her wade through the murky waters of the 1970s as she sniffs, sleeps, and claws her way through one of the most tumultuous time in history. Rated TV-MA for occasional but ample catnip usage.

All of This is Mine

In this action-packed game show, cats and kittens alike are put to through the ringer to face the ultimate test: who can claim the most things in one booby-trapped apartment as their own? Professional head-butters and face-rubbers will be tested to the limit as they dodge dogs, vacuum cleaners, and try to avoid the occasional mousy temptation to prove their own guts and glory.

I Hate You: Now Pet Me

In this wacky comedy, Peanut is a ne'erdowell kitten with a serious attitude problem. After being taken in by the Lester family, Peanut is forced to not only learn what it means to be a housecat after years on the street, but how to live with his newfound humans and their menagerie of four-legged friends. Guest stars Lil Bub as Blub, Corgnelius the Corgi as Dumbo, Ser Pounce as Ser Pennysworth, and Snoopy Babe as the mysterious and ravishing LuLu.

How Humans Work

From the people who brought you Mythbusters comes How Humans Work, a scientific look at the anatomy of a human and why we felines maybe — just maybe! — need them just as much as they need us (but shh...don't tell them that). Episodes include "What are feet?" and "why are hands so great at petting?" and "where do they get the food from?"

Boardwalk Catpire

A dark and gruesome look at the seedy underbelly of catnip production in the age of prohibition. International Internet celebrity Grumpy Cat stars as Beans, a no-nonsense crime cat who runs a catnip cartel that manages the entire eastern seaboard of the United States. May not be suitable for kittens under 4.

KittySwap

What happens when two cat families trade kittens for the weekend in the ultimate parenting competition? Hilarity! Missing socks! And a whole lot of pouncing and clawing. You'll tune in for the drama but stay for the heartfelt message of family and unity at the end.

Captain Popcorn: Mouse Hunter

Captain Popcorn — or El Captain as he is lovingly referred to by his fans — is a regular MacGyver when it comes to catching pesky house vermin. Watch as he travels across the country, teaching his fellow felines how to fleece these evildoers — tricking them out of their holes and into their newfound existence as a trophy/pet for your humans.