These Guys Could Be Worse Than Juan Pablo

ABC — and by default, the new Bachelorette , Andi Dorfman — want nothing to do with Juan Pablo so much that just about every poster advertising the show has made a crack at the guy. It’s not exactly surprising that Dorfman wants to avoid another JP situation, and honestly, so do I. And I’m hoping Dorfman's bestie (and Bachelor winner) Nikki Ferrell will eventually join us in that camp, but only time will tell.

In the meantime, Dorfman's found herself a new pool of men to choose from, and I expect the one she chooses to settle down with will be nothing like Juan Pablo. Unfortunately, douche happens, and it’s pretty much inevitable that we, the viewers, are not going to like all of the possible dudes Dorfman could potentially end up spending the rest of her life with. Will any of them be as horrible as Juan Pablo turned out to be? I’ll be the judge of that.

Thanks to Reality Steve, we have a solid list of Dorfman's hopeful suitors, and from that list, I’ve chosen four who seem most likely to be most potential Juan Pablo reincarnates. Fingers crossed that I’m wrong, but in case I’m not:

J.J. O’Brien

This 31-year-old San Francisco native seems cute, and gives off no Juan Pablo vibes whatsoever — until you realize he’s a curator of some crazy ass clothes. Yep, O’Brien’s apparel company, HemHaus, sells furry neon vests meant to turn you into a living gummy bear (I’m not kidding), pants with crazy patterns, and neon glow tank tops. Wait, is this The Bachelorette, or a giant EDM festival?

Plus, O’Brien appears to be an untethered hipster. And you know what they say about those kinds of guys: They don’t always make the best husbands, but damn, can they make their breakfast look good in just about any filter under the sun.

Andrew Poole

Poole, a 29-year-old Media Strategist at Facebook, seems cute… until you realize he compares himself to Pacey Witter from Dawson’s Creek. I’m instantly insulted by this. Nobody can replace Pacey. You are automatically on my douche list, Poole. Sorry ‘bout it.

Nick Viall

33 year-old Account Executive from Chicago. Looks like a nice enough guy. Until you realize it: He looks almost identical to Spencer Pratt, except with less crazy eyes (thanks, Reality Steve!).

This fact alone is incredibly worrisome. Reality TV cannot handle another Spencer Pratt, and I certainly cannot handle another Spencer Pratt. The only thing worse than Spencer Pratt lookalike (aside from Spencer Pratt himself) would be a Justin Bobby lookalike, and I’d rather have Juan Pablo back than Justin Bobby (a man so great he needed two names).

Nick Sutter

While we’re talking The Hills, Sutter is a 27-year-old professional golfer from Florida and is besties with Brody Jenner — that's a little concerning. Brody seems like a nice enough dude, he’s just a terrible baby-sitter. We just feel like the guys he has bromances with might not be of the highest caliber.

Plus, in his Twitter profile, he lists his Instagram as his “IG.” People do that after graduating middle school? Sorry, Sutter. We’ll have to pass.

Worst of all: He’s partaken in the famous “middle finger” pic. I know, I know: We’ve all done it… but it doesn’t mean our mistakes don’t come back to haunt us. Like this one is haunting Sutter right now. Kids, listen to me now, hear me later: Don’t do it. I know you feel like a badass right now, but in the future, I’ll have to chastise you when you try to compete on a future season of The Bachelorette. And none of us want that.

Images: ABC, Reality Steve (4)