Here's Your Reason to Watch the Kentucky Derby

Listen, just because I have no interest in horse racing doesn't mean I don't want to watch the 2014 Kentucky Derby. In fact, I'm most definitely going to be watching the horse-and-hat-related festivities. Why? Well, mostly because Johnny Weir and Tara Lipinski are helping host the event on NBC, but also because horse names are funny.

Since the real winners of the Sochi Olympics are returning to their rightful NBC thrones, I'm seriously hoping they'll have some great things to say about the outrageous horse names. Afterall, we all know they're being called on for their witty banter and spot-on fashion sense and not for their affinity for horse racing.

Now, I always thought that the hats were my favorite part of the Derby, but I've come to realize that my true interest lies in the absolutely incredible (and sometimes baffling) names that the horses have been given. Because, you guys, they're seriously ridiculous. So ridiculous that some of them aren't even actual names — I'm looking at you, We Miss Artie.

Well, since a name supposedly defines a person — or in this case, a horse — I think it's only fair that the horses' names should decide who's going to come in first at the Derby. So based on their names, here are my completely reasonable and statistically accurate guesses for which places the horses will come in. I think Weir would approve.

20. Medal Count

Obviously Medal Count is too cocky to win.

19. Wildcat Red

Too High School Musical-esque.

18. General A Rod

Reminds me too much of A-Rod.

17. We Miss Artie

I hope this horse's real name is Artie, otherwise, it's pretty much the saddest thing ever.

16. Vinceremos

He gets bonus points for having an actual name in his name.

15. Samraat

His nickname is "Cool Hand Luke." They should have stuck with that.

14. Vicar's In Trouble

Well, then he shouldn't be racing. You're in timeout, Vicar! Think about what you've done.

13. Pablo Del Monte

Okay, pretty regal.

12. Commanding Curve

I can't chant this.

11. Chitu

I could chant this.

10. Tapiture

And this.

9. Wicked Strong

Someone's got some Boston pride.

8. Ride on Curlin

This is weird, yet somehow I'm okay with it.

7. Harry's Holiday

Harry deserves a bit of R&R.

6. Intense Holiday

Sorry, Harry. You just got beat.

5. Dance With Fate

How majestic. Also, Fate's totally a looker and "has a way with the ladies."

4. Candy Boy

Hahahahahaha. Hah. Please let Candy Boy win.

3. California Chrome

What a fierce name.

2. Uncle Sigh

Get ready to say "aww" — Uncle Sigh is best friends with an orange tabby cat named Flash.

1. Danza

Obviously Danza is going to be a top contender. Anyone who shares Tony's surname is a winner.

You can catch the 2014 Kentucky Derby on NBC from 4 to 7 PM ET. Weir and Lipinski are ready.

Images: Today/Tumblr