Okay, They're Messing With Us Now

You know those friends who just won't shut up about how awesome their wedding is going to be? You know how by "those friends" I mean Kim Kardashian and Kanye West? Well, TMZ is reporting that Kim and Kanye will get married this week and have procured a "confidential" marriage license and "plan to tie the knot before the week is out."

Well there's a plot twist! After all these months of build-up, leaving the public hanging by ditching the big Parisian fairytale wedding and opting instead for a private courthouse affair would actually be pretty awesome. Kanye isn't a stranger to performance art, could all of the announcements about extravagant party favors and the controversy surrounding the Vogue wedding dress cover have just been a prolonged build-up to a quickie ceremony at City Hall meant to leave the public with blue bells (the just-now-made-up wedding equivalent of blue balls)?

Serves us right! Dutifully lapping up whatever scraps of information America's most-least-favorite couple have deigned to toss in front of us. Scrounging for a sneak peek at the guest list, or the wedding dress, or the location, when the fact remains, we're not invited, we're just desperately hungry for information about two complete strangers on whom we've projected our ambition, envy, fear, loathing, and admiration. To give us all that and then take it away? Bravo, Kimye, bravo.

Yeah, but no, that's not gonna happen.

As hilarious and ironic as a secret Kimye wedding might be, that's not the way this story unfolds. Khloe Kardashian's wedding, Kim's first wedding to Kris Humphries, and the Kimye proposal all got their own specials on E!. The only way Kim and Kanye will forgo a massive, made-for-TV blowout would be if instead their "secret" wedding was getting its own theatrically released feature documentary.

Which, let's be real, we'd totally go see on opening night.

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