Here's the #Problem With Her New Song

Hello, Nickelodeon stars. Here is my open letter to you: DO NOT WRITE SONGS ABOUT YOUR VAGINAS. Love, Mallory. (And what I really mean to say by that is that Ariana Grande may collaborate with Iggy Azalea in a new song called "Problem." Thanks, but no thanks.)

Ms. Grande, we all get it. You want to grow up. You want to flex your artistic muscles and show us that you are, indeed, more than Sam and Cat but please, please, for the love of God or whatever you choose to believe in, do not pull a Jennette McCurdy (but with lyrics, not pictures). There are many, many, many other ways to show us that you are an adult woman than by taking a sharp left turn into collaborating with an artist who is known for her song called "Pussy."

Now, I must concede: I may very well be jumping the gun and assuming that Grande and Azalea will wax musical about dicks and lady parts. And let's be frank for a moment — I approve of vagina talk (or song, for that matter), and I dig some jams about johnsons. But what I do frown upon is when a girl with a very young fanbase rapidly drops the kid-friendly image and immediately becomes R rated. Kids who loved you and wore your T-shirt are suddently confused as to why mom won't let your music in the house anymore.

There's time to become R-rated. There's time to have your Love and Other Drugs moment on the kitchen floor in a movie. There's time to drop f-bombs in your lyrics. But the time is not the minute your super popular tween show is canceled.

Needless to say, Grande alluded to all of this via Twitter (you know, where everything is the golden word. Trust nothing, but trust 140 characters). Grande didn't reveal much, but she did say that the song will likely be called "Problem." Er, I'm sorry, "#Problem." (Someone, please hire me to write lyrics for #TheMusical. I'll do it, because we know it's imminent.)

She tweeted this factoid about her first single:

And then she was perviously tweeting this with Iggy Azalea:

And I'm sure that this "#Problem" song may very well have the chance of being a successful follow up to Yours Truly, and Grande is free to infuse her music with the sounds Azalea's hip hop music. Be edgy, Ariana Grande! But the "#Problem" that you will be singing about soon may very well be how your fans aren't buying your music.