So, Who Caused The Purple Wedding?

Okay, so this is what it sounds like when doves (flying out of a cake) cry. Hello, Purple Wedding! Game of Thrones Sunday ended in an uproar, and SPOILER ALERT, King Joffrey is dead. So naturally this raises a ton of questions like "Who will take the Iron Throne now?" "Which fictional character will I be able to take my rage out on now?" "Why was no one tweeting about Margaery's hair?" But the most important question of all is: who the hell did it?

Seriously. I won't be able to sleep this week.

I can tell you — via speculation, of course — it wouldn't have made sense for Olenna Tyrrell or even Margaery to kill off the king. In order to have a royal baby in their family line, they would have needed to consummate their marriage first (oh, yeah — we never got to see that). Then again, it's Game of Thrones, making them viable culprits, and anything I suspect could be totally wrong because this is a show where protagonists and antagonists die, leaving us all dumbfounded and only able to say "Hodor."

And we also know that it's not an accident, because I mean, this is Game of Thrones, which is essentially a game of "who's got the least amount of integrity left?" But we need to ask ourselves who really needed Joffrey to die? He was obviously the most sadistic son of a bee-yotch television had ever seen, and Westeros is likely trying to figure out if a Munchkinland-esque celebration is possible. But whoever wanted Joffrey to die wasn't going to do it in a loud-and-proud, GoT sword-to-the-throat kind of way. This person needed to be much more quiet about it.

So, grab some (not poisoned wine) and a slice of a dove pie, and let's speculate.

Cersei Lannister

It may seem unlikely, given her blatant sadness when she witnessed her nutso baby die. But Cersei is a master of concealing emotions and letting them quietly rip. We can't ignore that throughout the episode she began to show fears of what would happen to her internally as she went from Queen Regent to... Lady Lannister. Her power, her identity, everything would be gone. Would she kill her son so that someone else — and his wife — could step into place, and somehow she could reassert herself as Queen Regent? Could she not bare to live the life she was about to live? Is she gearing up for a Shakespearean-style death?

Sansa

Sansa could have potentially poisoned Joffrey — lest we not forget the look in her eyes (she wins the award for Best Icy Cold Glare for the evening!) as Joffrey swung his Valyrian steel sword citing Ned Stark's death. Could this be her quiet punishment to him for killing her father and brother? Could she have given poison to someone who placed it in the cup (maybe Dontos)? Sansa seems unlikely to be a killer, and the Starks pride themselves on honor — but as we know, the Starks who praise their own senses of honorability die. See Red Wedding.

Prince Oberyn Martell

Another viable option! Remember when he showed up in King's Landing last episode with his paramour, Ellaria Sand, and his uncontainable sex drive? That riff between him and Tywin was phenomenal (it is distasteful in some countries to rape women!) and he showed up to King's Landing to pay a debt — because, after all, the Lannisters aren't the only ones who pay their debts. But it would seem to easy — too obvious — for the culprit to be Prince Oberyn. He also seemed more after Tywin than anyone else (er, besides Loras — but in a completely different way. That gaze between Loras, Oberyn, and Ellaria? Priceless.)

Tyrion

Tyrion seems unlikely to kill — but then again, his love was just sent off to who the hell knows where. Perhaps he poisoned Joffrey as a way to give the middle finger to his father? Perhaps he wanted to be jailed? Perhaps our favorite character is showing his dark side?

Olenna Tyrrell

She never seemed threatened by Joffrey's ways — perhaps because she knew she ultimately had the power? And of course, she wouldn't want to see Margaery suffer. This is a woman with an obvious spark to her (I've declared already that I want a one-woman Olenna show. Please, HBO?). So, we must ask if she and Margaery teamed up together to do this. Did they both know about this?

Margaery Tyrrell

She seemed so calm throughout the Purple Wedding. Is this because she's inherently good natured or because she knew what was coming? Will Westeros operate under her rule now, or will she be dethroned? Was this a ploy for the Tyrrell family? But wasn't Margaery marrying Joffrey to obtain power for her family? What will become of her (and her wedding hair) now?

Dontos

Joffrey almost killed Dontos on his Name Day, and Dontos repaid Sansa for saving his life. Dontos also told Sansa to hightail it out of the Royal Wedding. Still, it seems a bit hefty of a task for someone of his status. Did he have that much of a vengeance to take out onto Joffrey? Or was he just an accomplice with Sansa?

Tywin Lannister

Who knows! He might have just been sick and tired of seeing his inane and sadistic grandson rule the throne, and maybe he was also sick and tired of being the Hand of The King.

Jaime Lannister

THAT'S HIS SON WHO IS MESSING EVERYTHING UP, right? He can't be with Cersei, and Joffrey was just a physical manifestation of why their relationship is wrong. (I mean, also, incest, hello.) Also, this is the sort of babies incest makes. Lesson. Jaime — cocky and destroyed as he is — seems unlikely to kill. But he also might think if he cannot kill with his hand anymore, perhaps poisoning will do?

So...

We'll have to wait and see what happens throughout Season 4 to discover who the culprit is. I've been told by readers of the books that it's indeed "very satisfying."

But while we're on the topic of whodunit Game of Thrones style, who stole Bran's puberty? Like, that kid's a MAN now.

Images: HBO