Pope Says Following Him on Twitter Makes God Happy

Worried about making it to the pearly gates? Afraid that your sins might keep you in purgatory awhile? Well, fear no more: Pope Francis has announced that his Twitter followers will get a short-cut to heaven!

No, really. We're serious. The church has granted "indulgences" for hundreds of years: if you're awarded one, it cuts the time Catholics believe you have to spend in purgatory to repent your sins. (Technically, they stopped awarding "indulgences" in the Middle Ages because people started selling them, and it all got horribly out of hand. This is obviously totally different.)

Pope Francis announced that he would like everyone to show up to support Brazil's five-day World Youth Day events. Pope Francis, being very with the times, understands that not everyone can make it, so the same applies, the Vatican added, to those who follow the events on Twitter.

"But you must be following the events live," the Vatican aide who announced the get-out-of-jail-free-card added. "It is not as if you can get an indulgence by chatting on the Internet."

Well, shit.

"What really counts is that the tweets the Pope sends from Brazil, or the photos of the Catholic World Youth Day that go up on Pinterest, produce authentic spiritual fruit in the hearts of everyone," clarified Archbishop Claudio Maria Celli. Celli is head of the Vatican's council for social communication, which apparently is a thing as well.

Next stop: Pope Francis really gets with the times...

(Image: The Guardian)