We might like to think that the kind of porn we like to watch is some mysterious reflection of our innermost desires and experiences. But instead, it really seems to be based off of what's going on in the world. We are really freaking impressionable when it comes to our porn searches. The election influenced it, Halloween influenced it, and now we can see that Thanksgiving influences porn, too. The folks at Pornhub took a look at what we searched for on and around Thanksgiving last year compared to our normal searches — and damn do we go nuts on Thanksgiving.
I have to say I found this weirder than other Pornhub insights. I guess because Halloween has already been co-opted by people trying to make it sexy— sexy cat costumes, sexy witch costumes, sexy pumpkins even— it sort of naturally follows that porn would come out of that. But what is sexy about Thanksgiving? Nothing. Nothing is sexy about Thanksgiving. It involves overeating, family tension, and a history of genocide. I mean, I get needing to go off to masturbate to get a break from Thanksgiving stress, but I just don't get it being Thanksgiving-themed.
But apparently the people of America disagree, because we love our Thanksgiving porn. Here's what they found:
1. Pilgrim Porn Had The Biggest Leap In Searches
This list is a harrowing look at the American psyche. Yes, pilgrim topped the list. But let's look closer. Granny? Turkey? WALMART? Why are all of these things in porn and why does Thanksgiving make us want to search for them even more?
2. The Turkey Spike
So, people really like turkey porn. That's a thing we know now. That's something we can never un-know.
3. Black Friday Searches Are A Thing
BLACK EFFING FRIDAY. It has to ruin everything else and now it's finally ruining porn too!? I can't. I just can't.
4. Our Normal Patterns Are All Off
This is hilarious. Apparently, in an attempt to fit in masturbation around family obligations, our normal masturbation schedules are completely out of whack on Thanksgiving. So while there's a drop in traffic on the day overall, some periods are way more popular than normal (weirdly at like 1 in the morning and 10 a.m.), while at the time a lot of us are having our big meals the viewing plummets from its usual rate.
5. The Drop In Traffic, State By State
So the folks at Pornhub found something interesting. "For most folks, the only traffic they’re concerned with over Thanksgiving is the vehicular type that’s holding them up from reaching their holiday destinations," they explained on their site. "Our statisticians on the other hand are following the traffic reaching Pornhub, which dropped across every state of the union on Thanksgiving day."
But how it dropped really varied. In D.C. it dropped by nearly a quarter of average usage. But in some places it was much less — like Arkansas, where it only dropped by one percent. Some people are really dedicated to their porn viewing.
To me, Thanksgiving is normally about making hand turkeys and eating potato until I die, but maybe you're more adventurous. So if you're thinking of treating yourself to a holiday-themed masturbation sesh, Pornhub has plenty on offer.
Images: Fotolia; Pornhub
