Katy, Are You Dating Riff Raff?

In news no one saw coming, and that might be based solely on delusions of grandeur, Katy Perry is dating Riff Raff. Or at least Riff Raff thinks he's dating Katy Perry. Or, at the very least, they went on one date that involved what Riff Raff calls the "holy trinity" — sushi, bowling, and drinks. Weirdly, that sounds like an amazing date and for the first and last time ever, me and Riff Raff agree on something. If you aren't familiar with Riff Raff he is the rapper that James Franco's Spring Breaker's character is based on. Imagine if there was a man whose only knowledge of human existence was based on mid-90s rap videos and he built his entire life around this. That man is Riff Raff.

Apparently, Katy Perry and Riff Raff's first date occurred on March 19 because that is the day Riff Raff posted an Instagram of himself and Perry with the caption, "ON A DATE WiTH KATY PERRY SHE iS PURDY." Perry posted the same picture the next day with the caption, "TBT to when I went on a date with Riff Raff aka @jodyhighroller also, regram!" Now they could both be joking and that would be what anyone would assume because IT'S KATY PERRY AND RIFF RAFF, but some new information from TMZ makes it seem that Riff Raff might be taking this a little more seriously than Perry.

Riff Raff was filmed leaning against a car in Miami and answered questions about his date with Perry while holding on to a woman wearing a thong bikini. Riff Raff says that it was "an average date situation" and "who knows where things might go," adding that he'll probably see Perry next week. He also mentions that he and Perry have collaborated on a song, but he also goes to say he has "new cell phone holders" coming out and puts his phone into the waistband of the woman's bikini. I don't know if we can trust this guy.

If you plan on watching the video, I've gotta warn you there's a lot of butt grabbing that is awkward enough but made so much worse when you find out the reason the woman is not concerned with being fondled while Riff Raff talks about dating someone else is because she doesn't speak any English. Oh, Riff Raff, you are so very, very charming. (Lest the sarcasm be lost on anyone, I want it to be clear that he is absolutely disgusting.)

It doesn't seem like a stretch to assume that Riff Raff sees a relationship with Katy Perry as more reasonable than Perry does, but what's terrifying is that we don't know that for sure. Katy Perry could be totally on board with dating Riff Raff — it would be quite the change after John Mayer, he of the racist penis — but we won't know unless more Riff Raff and Katy Perry news surfaces. If they do end up together, at least they already have their duet single album art ready:

Image: Riff Raff/Instagram