Who Gets To Keep Beyonce & Jay Z?

How do you know you're really in an A-list couple? When even a formal annoucement of your separation on your beloved/behated lifestyle website doesn't silence the speculation. Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin have split up and even though they told the world themselves that it is a "conscious uncoupling," people still want to know more. Or at least tabloids think that people want to know more. Why did they break up? How long have they been having issues? Why did they just buy a multimillion dollar mansion together? Wait... what? Crap! Now I'm intrigued!

And with all the speculation out there it's hard not to find a particular little tidbit that will pull you in. In the end though, all of this these stories are silly. Does that mean we shouldn't talk about them? No, it means we should hunt down the craziest ones and laugh at how smart "sources" try to sound. Here are a few pieces of the most ridiculous speculation.

They Were "Pretending"

A "source close to the pair" told Confidenti@l, "This news should surprise no one. They haven’t been a couple for a number of years and have been pretending for the sake of the kids and each other’s careers."

Well, they've been a couple at least technically and "pretending" puts it way too lightly. They weren't "pretending" to raise their children together, they actually were raising their children together. I'm thinking it was a very real relationship with very real responsibilities and that they were just not necessarily happy.

But! But! Chris Martin Loves His Kids!

"Chris is devastated. He suggested counseling, he even suggested they move back to London but ultimately that just didn’t work out for them... Now they’ll have to figure out custody because he loves those kids more than anything. He's very hurt," a source told Hollywood Life.

He loves his kids?! They'll have to figure out custody?! He's devastated?! No way! I didn't know any of those things happened after a separation. Thanks, source!

Gwyneth Paltrow Hates Mold

TMZ suggests, in a rather vague way considering this is TMZ, that the split could be linked to a house Martin wanted to buy for his bandmates earlier this month. They write, "It's interesting ... in March, 2013, TMZ broke a story Chris made an offer on a Brentwood home. His people told us it was for him and his band mates, but Gwyneth got involved and killed the deal, claiming there was mold."

Gwyneth Paltrow Is An Oscar Winner

Let me first give you the title of this gem from Us Weekly, "Exclusive: Gwyneth Paltrow, Chris Martin Sang "Cruisin'" Duet at Benefit Weeks Before Split Announcement." The horror! The article goes on to explain, "She is an Oscar-winning actress, after all. Gwyneth Paltrow kept up appearances brilliantly with husband Chris Martin less than three weeks before their shocking split announcement — taking the stage with the Coldplay rocker, 37, to singer a now-bittersweet duet during a March 8 benefit concert."

This goes along with the they were "pretending" thing. Appearing to be happy in front of people you don't know doesn't mean you were pretending to be a happily married! I'm sure Paltrow and Martin knew what was going on in their relationship. This is like any other situation where you feel bummed out but you have to act normal. Like at a party, for example, because you don't want to look like a sad weirdo.

What About Jay Z and Beyoncé?

Mail Online wrote, "It seems Gwyneth and Chris will try to keep things as normal as possible in the wake of the end of their marriage for the sake of Apple and Moses. Which means they will surely continue to move in the same circles and maintain mutual friends — preventing a potentially messy argument over who gets to keep Beyoncé and Jay Z."

Yep, when you keep things normal for your kids, you keep things normal for Jay Z and Beyoncé, and I think we all know who really matters in this situation.