When it comes to finding "The One", it can be easy to get caught up. Even the phrase "The One" makes it sound like a mission to be accomplished and, for some people, it's one that they feel the need to accomplish as soon as possible. The problem with this idea is that it means people cut corners to finish. They get so determined and desperate to find this one person that's perfect for them that they force relationships that aren't working to fit the mold. There are a lot of ways you can fool yourself into think you've found your soulmate.
And it's awful to realize you were wrong. "When you reach a point that you realize they aren't "The One," be courageous and direct," marriage and family therapist Esther Boykin tells Bustle. "The old saying, 'It’s not you …' is actually a good starting point. The truth is that it's neither of you, it's the 'us' that doesn't work."
But the first step is to be open to admitting that it's not working — which means realizing how you've been fooling yourself so you don't repeat it in your next relationship. So here are signs that you're tricking yourself into thinking you've found "The One", because trust me — nobody's perfect:
1. You Think Someone Is Perfect
Sorry, but nobody's perfect — and if you think they are, then you're not being realistic. Part of a healthy relationship is knowing each other's flaws and feeling like you've found someone whose imperfections match with yours. "Everyone has an inner voice," Boston-based clinical psychologist Bobbi Wegner tells Bustle. "Follow it. Pay attention to the immediate feelings you have when you think of the person."
Think about the things you don't like about your partner, and if you can live with those than that's a much better sign than thinking they're perfect.
2. You're Running Through The Motions
Some couples are all about checking off the next thing on the list, rather than actually being with each other. Yes, everyone moves at their own pace and that's totally cool, but if you're rushing through moving in together, getting engaged, getting married, having kids, and the rest without pausing to make sure you can work together or just be together, something may be wrong. You might feel like you've found the right person, but you also need time to be sure.
3. You Were Happy, But Now You're Not
Things change, and that means "The One" can change too. "We're living much longer lives and we grow and change," Dawn Maslar, aka “the Love Biologist" tells Bustle. "'The One' in our twenties may not be 'The One' in our sixties. If you believe you found 'The One' and it doesn't work out, don't worry, you'll find 'another One.'" Don't force something that makes both of you unhappy, be grateful for the good times you had.
4. They Want To Change You
There's wanting to be the best version of yourself, then there's someone who actually wants you to be different. "The right partner can encourage you to embrace your flaws and be proud of who you are," life coach Kali Rogers tells Bustle. "The wrong partner does the exact opposite." You need someone who's OK with your flaws, just as you're accepting of theirs.
5. You Avoid Spending Time With Them
I know this sounds crazy, but a lot of us have a friend who swears their relationship is perfect, yet they never want to be around their partner. This could be a case of someone being "The One" on paper, but not living up to it in reality. But you can't date the on paper version of someone — if you like the idea of them more than being with them, you're kidding yourself.
6. You're Ignoring Major Deal-Breakers
Some of us just want to bury our head in the sand when it comes to relationship deal-breakers. If everything else in a relationship seems great, it can be hard to admit to some fundamental incompatibility. "Whether it comes to finances (bill handling and choice of expenses becomes an issue), intimacy (you're not sexually compatible), religion (especially when it comes to certain holidays), kids (where one person may want children and the other doesn't), or other issues, [if] you two are just not clicking on major topics," you're not with 'The One,'" relationship trainer Daniel Amis tells Bustle. If there's a conversation you're avoiding and ignoring, it's a sign.
7. Nobody Else Can See It
It's totally normal if your partner doesn't mesh 100 percent with some of the people in your life — that happens. But if you're so convinced you've found the perfect person and nobody else around you can see it? That's a sign. Remember that these people love you and want what's best for you, so if none of them are convinced you've found a good match then you need to wonder what's going on.
Bottom line? Finding a partner is not a race. You've got your entire life to find someone you want to be with — whether you call it "The One" or just The One For Now. You'll be happier in the long run if you stop tricking yourself and wait for the relationship you really want (and deserve).
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