How To Tell If You're A "Nasty Woman"

During Wednesday night's third and final presidential debate, Donald Trump, as always, was a bearer of infinite wisdom. That little gem where he referred to Hillary Clinton as "such a nasty woman" while she was talking about Social Security and Medicare? Classic! But what exactly are the signs you're a nasty woman, I wonder? Being a woman in a position of leadership? Of power? Being a woman in a position of competition with a man and having the lead? This deserves further exploration, because don't we all owe it to ourselves to be able to determine whether we are, in fact, nasty women? Yes. Yes, we do.

Nasty women, you see, do not do what our society tells them they should. They do not make themselves pleasant, even though it would be far nicer for everyone around them if they did. Or at least, this is what I have come to understand after careful analysis of Mr. Trump's words and actions. After all, we already know him to be the leading expert on mansplaining, so of course he would be the expert on nasty women, as well.

In trying to better understand Mr. Trump's "nasty woman" comment, and in an effort to improve all of womankind, I've determined several factors that make one a nasty woman. You can thank me later.

You Have An Opinion

Nasty women not only have an opinion, but moreover, they have opinions that Mr. Trump does not agree with. Nasty women refuse to put aside their own wants, needs, and desires in favor of other people's comfort; they refuse to arrange their faces into pleasant expressions, or their words into pleasant phrases. How dare they.

You're Not, Ahem, Well-Endowed

If you're a member of the IBTC, you are clearly a nasty woman. During one of his appearances on The Howard Stern Show, for example, Mr. Trump said, "A person who is flat-chested is very hard to be a 10." Obviously people who are not 10s are automatically nasty women.

But Donald — may I call you Donald? — I noticed you said "person" and not "woman." I just want to clarify who we're referring to here — can you elaborate, please? And also, what specifically is flat-chested? B cup? A? What if one's a B and one's an A? Asking for a friend.

You Own Your Sexuality

Mr. Trump sets the standard for "appropriate number of people to have consensual sexual relations with." For instance, Trump once told Larry King of Angelina Jolie during an interview on CNN, "She's been with so many guys she makes me look like a baby." Conclusion: You've had sex with more people than him? Hussy.

You Do Not Have Access To The Fountain Of Youth

Mr. Trump told The New York Times in 2015 that Heidi Klum is "sadly... no longer a 10." How nasty! But out of curiosity, what's the lowest number you can be? Do we go into the negatives? Please explain.

You Provide Sustenance For Your Children

During a 2011 deposition, lawyer Elizabeth Beck, who had been questioning Mr. Trump, requested a break so that she could pump breast milk for her 3-month-old daughter. Mr. Trump, in a comment that was not disputed by either side according to the New York Times, said, "You're disgusting," and walked out. How dare you perform the most natural process known to mankind. Nasty, nasty, nasty.

You "Talk Like A Truck Driver"

I'm not entirely sure what this means, but it's bad. Trump said of Rosie O'Donnell in a 2006 comment, "You take a look at her, she's a slob, she talks like a truck driver." So whatever you do, don't do... that. Whatever that is.

You Question Mr. Trump's Financial Strength And Status

Columnist Gail Collins once described Mr. Trump as a "financially embattled thousandaire." He allegedly responded by sending her a copy of the column with her picture circled and "The Face of a Dog!" written over it. (Mr. Trump later responded to this claim, although as AdWeek notes, he "did not refute the dog-picture story.") And don't ever bring up his financial and business failures, like Trump Airlines, Trump beverages, Trump: The Game, Trump Casinos, Trump Magazine, Trump Mortgage, Trump Steaks, GoTrump.com, Trump Tower Tampa, Trump University, and Trump Vodka. Be warned, for you are a nasty woman if you bring up any of these things.

You Stand Up For What You Believe In

And you don't back down. Exactly like Hillary Clinton in the third presidential debate. You keep your cool, you stick to your proverbial guns, and you continue to work towards accomplishing your goals, no matter what hurdles you face. Such a nasty woman.

And there you have it: All the things that make one a nasty woman. It is possible, of course, that there are more qualities that nasty women have; if we delve into history, for example, we may be able to uncover many, many more. But this is an excellent place to start. Now, ask yourself: Are you nasty?

Editor's note: This post is satire. Heidi Klum is obviously still a 10. Additionally, having an opinion and standing up for what you believe in are wonderful qualities to have. If this is what a "nasty woman" is, we should all be nasty women.

Images: Giphy (7)