No, The Brangelina News Didn’t Cause An Earthquake

Not a few minutes after the genuinely sad news of Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt’s impending divorce broke, Los Angeles felt a slight shift in the earth. And no, that is not a metaphor. As CNN points out, the US Geological Survey reported a small earthquake near the City of Angels on Tuesday morning. At 7:43 a.m. PT, about 15 minutes after the Jolie-Pitt breakup devastated the internet, a 3.0 quake rumbled just north of Gardena, Calif. Whoa. How about that for timing?

Now, before you say “Ohhhhh myyyyy godddd, Brangelina’s split literally created seismic waves,” please know this: CNN confirmed the earthquake and the divorce news were unrelated. The dissolution of the Jolie-Pitt marriage may have broken our hearts, but it did not rankle the planet’s plates.

So, if the Brangelina announcement did not cause the earthquake, what was responsible? (You know, besides fault lines and tectonic plates and all of that geological what have you. That's way too obvious of an answer.) Here are some totally realistic potential explanations that have yet to be ruled out:

• Maybe a huge sea monster bumped into the coast of Southern California Tuesday morning, sending ripples through the region. And maybe the ripples picked up steam as they went along. And maybe the ripples hit their crescendo just north of Gardena.
• Maybe a demon ghost got stuck in demon ghost traffic just outside of L.A., got really mad, and punched the earth. Classic demon ghost move.
• Maybe there is an enormous, lactose intolerant troll who lives miles below the planet’s crust, just outside of Los Angeles. A dairy-loving, lactose intolerant troll. And maybe that troll decided to give into temptation on Tuesday morning and just slam a Buick-sized milkshake. And maybe, an hour or so post-milkshake, that troll let a rumbler of a fart rip. (Honestly, I can’t believe I made it this long without making a flatulence joke.)
• Maybe an underground gopher colony had something to do with it. Yes, gophers. Ever since a single gopher ruthlessly destroyed the sprinkler system in my old backyard, I refuse to underestimate those critters. They can wreak some major havoc. If enough gophers got together and pooled their mischief-making skills, I bet they could create a tremor in the earth.
• Maybe aliens were behind it. (Don’t ask me how, I’m no Dana Scully.)

If you have any leads on what caused this particular quake, please let me know.