At first glance (at either your morning-after melted-oil-painting makeup or the person lying next to you), it seems like Drunk You is nothing but bad news. Your credit card balance is now the exact title of Taylor Swift’s latest album, you’ve got more than a few mystery bruises, and your outgoing call log essentially reads like a takeout phonebook. Usually, the best thing to do the morning after a night of debauchery is to just delete all of your embarrassing text messages, and stuff any and all styrofoam Seamless evidence into the nearest trash can. But if you take a moment to evaluate, you might find that Drunk You holds more than a few keys to success, even under the harsh glare of the next morning's totally judgmental sun.
It might seem hard to believe that the destructive little goblin you morph into every Friday at midnight could teach you anything at all, much less stuff that’s actually useful and applicable to your daily life. But in fact, Drunk You honestly has some pretty excellent ideas — no hangover necessary. Drunk You is, obviously, probably far less inhibited and free-spirited than straight-laced Sober You, and when used very carefully, harnessing the powers of Drunk You’s IDGAF attitude can really yield some amazing results.
From finally telling your crush how you feel to making it rain compliments like you’re half-sloshed in the bar bathroom, the key to living your best life might start at the bottom of a bottle. (Of course, Sober You can still dance like nobody's watching, and drinking responsibly is always the best bet. This is all in fun — as your weekends should be!)
1. Drunk You Speaks Her Mind
You call your ex and talk about how much you miss them. You tell your new guy how much you dig him. You gather your friends in a bathroom huddle and scream Sex and the City movie quotes in unison. You text your sister that you love her, even though you definitely misspell her name. As cringe-y as it may feel the next day, isn't it best to be honest? It was either Mark Twain or Kanye West who said we only regret the things we didn’t do, so live your life to the fullest and tell the people you love (or hate) how you feel, with or without the aid of a vodka and Redbull.
2. Drunk You Treats Herself
Sometimes, you need to treat yourself like the queen you are and take an Uber three blocks down the road. Similarly, there are times when you just need to order in a complete array of foods more diverse than the Brangelina brood. But why should you have to wait until you’re three sheets to the wind to treat yourself to an indulgence? Drunk You knows the value of just giving in to your cravings, especially after a long, grueling week of work, eating right, and staying active.
Celebrate your accomplishments (even the little ones) and treat yo’self. Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy takeout, and that’s basically the same thing.
3. Drunk You Dances Like No One’s Watching
Spoiler alert: You can neither whip nor nay-nay. But that’s OK! Drunk You dances like there’s no tomorrow, letting the haters hate (or Snapchat) from the sidelines while you just enjoy the music and your dance partner with exactly zero inhibitions.
While I can’t in good faith advocate you nay-naying at your next corporate event, what you can do is stop caring what other people think of you and put yourself out there. Network. Invite a coworker you admire out to lunch. Finally meet up with your Tinder crush. After all, Drunk You would do it. And if Drunk You failed, you’d just laugh it off — and keep dancing.
4. Drunk You Is A Brutally Honest Friend
You’re probably a great friend in your day-to-day life, but Drunk You takes the tenants of friendship to entirely new levels. A huge portion of bar time is always spent on intense discussions totally dissecting your friends’ relationships. If it was over a dry brunch, you might try to remain tactful as your best friend lists excuse after excuse as to why Josh hasn’t called. But once the mimosas start flowing, you finally have the courage to tell her (nicely, of course) that Josh hasn’t called because Josh is a sucky person. Drunk You is honest and helpful, and Sober You should grow up and be the same way.
5. Drunk You Is Mad Generous
Drunk You is also crazy generous, both with the rounds and with the compliments. Sober You isn’t expected to always pick up the tab, of course, but treating friends to anything, from a home-cooked meal to your Netflix password, is always an incredibly nice gesture. Drunk You is the kind of friend everyone should be, and she even compliments strangers on their shoes, bringing joy everywhere she goes.
6. Drunk You Goes For What She Wants
It's been hammered (lol sorry, couldn't resist) into your brain since Think Don't Drink seminars in high school that alcohol lowers your inhibitions, but this doesn't always have to be a bad thing. Instead of using your newfound assertiveness to order your entire online shopping cart in one go, be forward in your personal relationships, be they platonic or romantic. Rather than leaning against the bar and making eyes at the cutie across the room, sidle on up to them and introduce yourself.
All too often, women feel pressured by society to be passive and never act as the aggressor in potentially romantic situations. A drink in your well-manicured hand, however, acts as the perfect wingman and allows you to make your move without fear of rejection or repercussions. But you don't need a drink to take that confidence into sober life. Remember: if Drunk You has game, so does Sober You.
7. Drunk You Captures The Moment — Without Judgement
It is a fact that the drunker a girl gets, the more selfies she wants to take with her friends. Selfie culture has been the victim of one too many selfie-shaming, high-horse think pieces, but I can virtually guarantee that when you’re old, you won’t wish that you had fewer pictures of yourself and your friends at your most bangable. Channel Drunk You and bust out the front-facing camera anywhere your heart — and contour — desires. Take pictures with your friends everywhere and really capture the moment. May the lighting be ever in your favor.
Images: Vedrana Sucic / EyeEm/EyeEm/Getty Images; Giphy
