Avid fans of the show have known this season was going to get super dark, but with the release of the third Season 4 trailer of HBO's Game of Thrones , we can now expect a bloodcurdlingly upsetting season ahead. After all, within only a minute and a half, we hear thoughts of revenge being planted in Cersei Lannister's head, we watch Sansa cry resentfully to Tyrion about the deaths of her brother and mother, we see flashing swords, a sneaky Little Finger, and we witness Jon Snow looking pensive (although, yeah, he sort of always looks like that.) Revenge is the name of the game here, and from what we've seen thus far, there's going to be absolutely loads of it.
Except, the thing is, there was already a seemingly insurmountable amount of revenge last season. I don't want to get into the gory details or anything, but someone's dick got cut off last season guys, and I don't really see how it could get any more intense than that. So let's run through all the messed up shit that went down in Season 3, because if Season 4 is going to have even more, then wow, we must prepare.
Last Season's Revenge
1) THEON. GREYJOY'S.PENIS. Who does that. Who cuts off a penis and then eats a sausage that looks like a penis. Oh yeah, Ramsay Bolton, that's who. So you better hide yo dick, hide yo balls, cos Ramsay Bolton's cutting everybody up in here.
2) Ser Davos tries to save his idiotic lord, Stannis Baratheon, by making an attempt on the Red Lady's life, and how is he rewarded? His ass gets thrown in jail. Just goes to show, some people are so darn ungrateful. Still totally think Renley was the better Baratheon. He might have had a tendency towards fabulous dinner parties and buttsexing Ser Loras, but at least he was cool.
3) Jaime Lannister tries to pull rank for the upteenth time, and he gets his fricking hand chopped off. Haters gonna hate, amirite? Except even more seriously when you're an incestuous back stabbing Kingslayer and everyone hates you. Life's rough for the Lannisters.
4) Danaerys goes to buy the Unsullied from that really tanned slavemaster with plucked eyebrows, and then, when the deal is settled, she's all "jokes on you, I speak that language you've been trashing me in for this entire deal, and also my dragon is making human barbecue of you as we speak. Slavery is wrong motherfucker." This is the most socially just revenge we saw all season. *Pours one out for the Starks.*
5) Lord Baelish captures the dude who castrated him (and also looks like Dumbledore, but lets digress) and tortures him to make up for a life without his man bits.
6) Jon Snow ends up turning on the Wildlings even though he's been boning Ygritte, so when she realizes he is still a "crow," she shoots him in the leg and back and rides off, because there is no hell like a Wildling scorned, as it would seem. You know nothing. Jon Snow.
7) THE RED WEDDING. There are no words. And to think, all of the murdering and throat cutting and scary Catlyn Stark screaming could have been avoided if Robb Stark just kept it in his pants and married the not-so-busted looking Frey daughter. Urgh. I'm crying even thinking about it.
Revenge to Come In Season 4
1) Arya is going to kick some ass with the Hound. My money is on her killing Walder Frey, but a girl can only hope.
2) Cersei is now considering revenge, and I have a weird spidey-sense that she might kill her dad to protect herself, her kids and Jaime from the biggest baddest Lannister of them all. After all, if he is willing to sell her off to a gay man, he is not exactly in her corner. Hmmmm.
3) Sansa is good and pissed about how Robb and her mom were killed, so maybe, just maybe, we're going to have a super bad-ass Stark sister reunion, wherein in they meet, hug it out, and then go stab the shit out of Walder Frey. And then, it'll get all Princess Diaries and Sansa will cut the hair and pluck the bushy brows of all Walder Frey's sad looking offspring, and they'll all turn into beauty queen princesses and start an Amazonian woman warrior tribe. Or maybe that's just a dream. Who knows.
4) Ygritte is over the wall, she's coming for Jon Snow, and she is going to wreak holy hell on him for dumping her/betraying her people. Something tells me the sexy ginger lovin' is very, very over.
5) But Jon is kind of over that whole situation, because pretty much his entire family has been brutally murdered since he last touched base with Westeros. So girlfriend troubles are ranking kind of low on his list of priorities.
So get excited everyone, and prepare to lose pretty much all of the remaining characters you care about to frightful acts of revenge. Because it's going to happen, whether you like it or not.
Watch the third Game of Thrones Season 4 trailer here:
Image: HBO
