In news that will either leave you jumping for joy or shrieking Oh, the humanity, the College Board has decided to cut the essay portion of the SATs. Yeah, I know, I’m confused, too. Though honestly, it doesn’t take much to make me feel that way when we’re talking about the SATs.
Although the essay writing section will be no longer starting in 2016, SAT-takers will still have the option to write an essay that would be graded separately, if they’d like to. But what teenager in their right mind is going to waste their time on THAT? SATs are usually on Saturday mornings, and Saturday mornings, when you’re 16 or 17, are made for sitting around sulking about the fact that you don’t have your own car and going to the mall. Writing a non-mandatory essay or shopping at Forever 21? You do the math.
But maybe the College Board, in all their infinite wisdom, knows something we don’t know yet. After all, knowing how to write is actually kind of pointless. Humans have been doing it, in one form or another, since the beginning of our species, so maybe it’s just over now.
Don’t believe me? Here, let me convince you — in writing — why being able to write is no longer important.
IT SUCKS UP TOO MUCH TIME
If we've learned anything from the very first “LOL,” it’s that writing is too damn time consuming. Why even bother learning to write when you can express everything you possibly want in a series of acronyms? YKWIM?
It's EXHAUSTING AS HELL
Have you ever fallen asleep mid-term paper? You’re not alone. The brain energy involved in trying to put together a collection of coherent thoughts is just…
Who has time for that? Especially in college.
IT MIGHT MAKE YOU FEEL THINGS...
If you know how to write you might get a journal and start putting your thoughts into it with words. Next thing you know you'll be bombarded by emotions, then maybe tears, and before you know it: FEELINGS.
...WHICH CAN LEAD TO OTHER ISSUES
Once you're feeling things, you might decide to try your hand at whacky stuff like poetry. If you don't nip that shit in the bud, stat, you could find yourself reciting your written words at poetry cafes downtown, which is pretty f-ing lame.
IT’S PASSÉ
As I said, people have been writing for, like, ever. I mean, there are only so many seasons in a row this show can run. Knowing How To Write’s 15 minutes were up a few hundred years ago.
You Can Use Your Mouth
So we have these things in our throats like larynxes, vocal chords, and some other words I don’t need to know, because writing is passé, as we already covered. But what it comes down to is that Mother Nature wouldn’t have given us a mouth if we weren’t expected to evolve to a point where we solely use our voice. Or something.
IT Doesn't Burn Enough Calories
Expressing your thoughts, opinions, fears, and dreams by flailing your arms burns so many calories! How many calories does writing burn? Exactly.
YOU CAN SAY EVERYTHING YOU NEED IN 140 CHARACTERS
Have you heard of Twitter? No? Then get on that. This invention alone confirms just how unnecessary learning to properly write really is.
