Now that "Pokemon Go" has swept the nation and it's officially legit to lean into the hardcore '90s nostalgia, you have probably spent more than a little time reminiscing about the original Pokemon anime series. And yeah, there are some things about the plot that immediately seem a little wack when you examine them through the lens of adulthood. For instance: Ash was shoved outta Pallet Town with a backpack at the ripe old age of 10, which seemed hella reasonable to our baby brains at the time, but is straight up cray considering most of us would grow up to continue to glom onto our own parents post-college at 22. For another instance: Pikachu is a is basically the Regina George of the starter Pokemon world.
Of course, we remember these broad details some 15 years later (oh my god you guys we are mortal beings and time passes so fast we're basically staring into the void), but it's the little details you forgot that really add that extra sprinkle of "WTF" on your "OMG" fries. This morning I logged onto Netflix, where the original Pokemon series now lives on the internet, and experienced all those details firsthand ... and let me just say, this is not the Pokemon I remember. Let me be your guide on the spiritual journey that is reliving the first episode of Pokemon, because, as the current teens say, it's a lot. Here are all the bonkers moments you forgot:
Pokemon Battling Is Actually Brutal AF
This is how the show opens — with thousands of humans screaming their heads off while a Pokemon beats the living tar out of another Pokemon. I'm sorry, where was Poke-PETA when this went down??
Ash Ketchum is an INFANT
HE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO TIE HIS DAMN SHOES, GUYS. LOOK AT THIS PREPUBESCENT HOT MESS.
Ash’s Voice Is 100 Percent Played By A Woman
Which, like, makes sense. He's a 10-year-old boy, and traditionally most young animated boys are voiced by women. He's voiced by actress Veronica Taylor, who, incidentally, also voices Ash's mother and May in the Pokemon meta series, among approximately 86,000 other voice roles in popular animes. Above is a video of her being so awesome that it is safe to say as a generation WE DID NOT DESERVE HER MAGIC.
Dodrios Were Every Bit As Annoying In The Show As They Are Right Now
STFU, Dodrio. If I see another one of these three-headed chickens hovering around the Bustle office I'm gonna sprout two more heads myself. Where are the Clefairies, "Pokemon Go"??
Uh, These Girls Were Apparently Super Thirsty For A 10-Year-Old?
Hello, yes, 911? I am super uncomfortable. That's all.
We Missed A Chance For A Clutch Meme In 1999
Every time I catch a Pokemon in Central Park I'm going to immediately approach the nearest stranger and announce this, to make up for lost time.
Professor Oak Is A Beautifully Symmetrical Salt-And-Pepper Hunk Of ~Hello~
OK, OK, so he has a grandson. But I don't see no ring on that finger. (Help.)
Pokemon Training Is Basically Musical Chairs?
Real talk: why were all the Pokemon gone? A little less shaming a 10-year-old for sleeping in and a little more explanation from the dude who was supposed to have a starter Pokemon for all the newly licensed trainers, plz.
OK, But Actually, Pikachu Is So Precious He Could Gnaw My Face And I Would Thank Him
You think you remember how cute Pikachu is and then your organs fall out of your body and you remember just how cute Pikachu is. I still haven't caught one on "Pokemon Go" and now there is way too much salt in this wound, y'all.
Is Pikachu Just A Giant Metaphor For Social Anxiety?
Pikachu's all, "Don't touch me, be chill, I don't want to go back in that Pokeball but I also don't want to talk to you," which is, like, perfectly reasonable, in retrospect.
Worst Mom Ever Arranges Entire Parade Of Pan Drummers, But Doesn’t Think To Wake Up Her Damn Son
Delia Ketchum needs to get her sh*t together.
FOR REAL, Someone Needed To Call Poke-PETA
Nurse Joy? Officer Jenny? ANYBODY??? Pikachu's gonna get so much butt burn by the time they get to the next town.
Wait, But Ash Is Literally The Least Prepared Trainer EVER
Has Ash ever seen a Pokemon? I'm worried because in an earlier scene there's a Dodrio straight up chilling on the top of his house, so he should know basic Pokemon facts like that they can't speak human. Did Delia ever let him outside? Was Pokemon actually a secret sequel to The Room the entire time??
Uh, Whoa — BB Ash Ketchum Is Two Shakes Away From Being An Actual Super Villain
Um, OK, Ash, maybe relocate some chill ...
NOT THAT KIND OF CHILL. HARD LEFT, ASH, HARD LEFT.
Seriously, I know (think? hope?) that Ash eventually goes on to learn the ~true meaning of friendship~ and to have mutual respect for Pokemon, but in this first episode, he's basically an adorable little serial killer.
Spearow Is Me AF
Strongly suspect I've had Resting Spearow Face since 2004.
This Bike Thing, Tho
I know that you know that we all know that Ash stole Misty's bike, but we all forget what an entitled little jerk he was about it. And that he basically ditched her on a riverbank as a swarm of incredibly pissed off and violent Spearows descended in pursuit of him. It's casual.
Ash Basically Tried To Become Pokemon Jesus
Not even gonna lie: I have strong intentions to reenact this scene in Central Park this weekend, non-"Pokemon Go" players be damned.
Images: Netflix
