John Tucker Must Die gets lost in those lists of “The Best Movies of the 2000s”. Because it was released in 2006 (ten years ago, if you can believe it), I think it’s commonly forgotten about, but it’s one of the best teen movies of the decade. It has everything – high school stereotypes, warring cliques that unite against a greater evil, a hot jock who needs to be taken down a peg, and Penn Badgley, long before Dan Humphrey absolutely ruined Gossip Girl. Though I love it, I hadn’t seen John Tucker Must Die in a while, and its ten-year anniversary demanded a rewatch.
In John Tucker Must Die, Kate is invisible — she moves a lot because her mother has a habit of getting herself into bad relationships, so Kate herself forms no friendships at her school. When she sees a group of girls fighting over John Tucker – the hottest guy on campus — she sets them straight. You see, John Tucker is dating all of them, and together, all of them — including Kate — agree to band together and take John Tucker down. Kate is the guinea pig, and suddenly, she’s making John dance around her. They go on dates, and all goes well, until Kate begins to fall for John. How can she go through with a plan to ruin him when she loves him? Well, that’s the problem. This tomfoolery left a mark on me when I was a kid, but would I love John Tucker Must Die as an adult? Here’s what I noticed when I rewatched the movie.
1. Taylor Kitsch Makes An Appearance
Yep, that’s right — Tim Riggins is the neighbor boy who threw himself at Jenny McCarthy at the beginning of the movie.
2. Icing Has Value
I maintain that eating icing from the can is equal to therapy, so Kate’s mom has that one right. Not so much with the “running away from your problems” though.
3. What Are The Cheerleaders Wearing?
Why are movie cheerleading outfits so racy? Did I just get old, or are the cheerleaders wearing inappropriate clothing while doing inappropriate dance moves?
4. Really, How Does John Tucker Do It?
I know the movie revolves around the fact that the girls don’t know John is dating all of them, but I just don’t see how it’s plausible. How does he have the time?
5. Sophia Bush Is A National Treasure
I love her vegan teen activist almost as much as I love Brooke Davis.
6. The Famous Photographer
Why would a “famous” photographer who shot for Vogue and ELLE even be bothering with this little mini photo shoot in the woods? Does he owe someone money?
7. The Movie Ad Is Kind Of Genius
Technology evolves, but those advertisements before movies have never gone away. It’s a genius way of setting John Tucker up.
8. Ashanti Is Good At Giving Shade
“You’re definitely losing tone.” Ooh, burn.
9. I Still Remember Science Class
When Little Tucker doesn’t know how to measure water in a graduated cylinder, I am secretly victorious. I’m a decade away from high school, and he’s still in high school, and I remember my meniscus.
10. The Estrogen Thing Is So Gross
I hate when John takes the estrogen and suddenly turns into all of these womanly stereotypes. Do you think female athletes act like that on the court? I don’t think so.
11. No One Is That Popular
Seriously, how are girls just throwing themselves at John Tucker?
12. Those Half-Sweaters Are So 2006
I had one or six of those babies, and I definitely bought them at Hollister.
13. How Does Someone Forget A Bra?
If I left my bra in a car, I would know about it. Those things are expensive.
14. Stalking Is Not Cute
I’m not sure why John thinks that you can just sit outside someone’s house in a car and they’re not going to notice, but he’s not conspicuous at all.
15. That Waitress Needs To Get A Grip
That one girl who starts crying every time she sees John Tucker? She needs to get over it. When did you even date?
16. Did Anybody Really Date In High School?
We just had a lot of group hangouts. No dates with boats and fancy clothes.
17. A Thong Is Not Athletic Underwear
I just don’t buy that a thong is better underwear to play basketball in. It’s floss up your butt.
18. John Tucker’s Sudden Change Of Heart Is Disappointing
Not because John is disappointing, but because the rape-culture-palooza he facilitated in the school is not something that’s going away easily. Everyone just wants to bang hot girls, so what was the point of his realization? He goes right back to it but under the guise of honesty.
19. Is Little Tucker So Great?
One reveal as Gossip Girl and it ruins the whole thing.
While John Tucker Must Die is entertaining, I think I’ll stick to my own way of dating.
Images: Twentieth Century Fox; Giphy (19)
