'90s movies are probably one of the biggest influencers in my life, and have been since I was a kid. Sometimes it's worked to my benefit, like when I made friends by being the girl who could quote all of Clueless from memory, but other times it has gotten me in trouble, or at least, led me to embarrassment. I mean, nobody likes it when a little girl yells out "Yippie-Ki-Yay, Motherf--ker!" in the middle of a family gathering. Unfortunately for parents everywhere, kids have a habit of picking up bad words or dirty jokes from movies before their little ears can really understand what it means. Unless parents are watching movies before letting their children watch them, there are going to be some films that parents regret showing their kids, and the timeless crude jokes from '90s movies mentioned below are the reason why.
The '90s was full of raunchy, envelope-pushing comedies that, for some reason, were deemed child-appropriate, either by rating or by reputation. From Jim Carey to Robin Williams, comedians popped up everywhere, including movies that were (sort of) meant for young audiences. And with them, they brought gross humor to kid-friendly movies that made us grow up way too soon. Here are 13 crude jokes in '90s movies our parents regret letting us hear.
1. "Sink the sub. Hide the weasel. Park the porpoise. A bit of the old Humpty Dumpty, Little Jack Horny, the Horizontal Mambo?" — Mrs. Doubtfire
Aw, isn't it sweet that our kids are going around screaming out strange euphemisms for sex?
2. "Our love is like a red, red rose... and I am a little thorny." — The Mask
"Thorny"...get it?
3. "I never forget a pussy... cat." — Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery
I really cannot believe my parents let me watch Austin Powers movies at all...
4. "I desperately want to make love to a schoolboy." — Dumb & Dumber
Because all parents were thrilled to have to explain pedophilia to their children.
5. "Are there any other areas, besides basketball, that you find yourself... unable to perform?" — Space Jam
It's official, there is no movie too wacky or animated that it can't have at least one performance anxiety joke.
6. "What do you say I get someone else to watch the sheep tonight?" — Toy Story
Woody and Bo Peep were totally having sex in Toy Story. Mind blown.
7. "I appreciate this whole seduction thing you've got going on here, but let me give you a tip: I'm a sure thing." — Pretty Woman
OK, this isn't so much a joke as it is an entire premise of a film. For younger audiences, Pretty Woman is basically a lesson on prostitution masquerading as a romantic comedy.
8. " — My plastic surgeon doesn't want me doing any activity where balls fly at my nose.— Well, there goes your social life." — Clueless
Ok, I'm going to be honest, I didn't understand this joke until I was well into my teenage years.
9. Slave Jasmin — Aladdin
This one isn't a quote, but it's definitely worth mentioning. Remember at the end of Aladdin when Jafar gets ultimate power and makes Jasmine his sex slave? Yeah, me neither. Still, I'm guessing when our parents took us to see Aladdin and saw Jasmine barely clothed and in chains, they were not too pleased with Disney.
10. "— You really love animals, don't you?— If it gets cold enough." — Ace Ventura: Pet Detective
I can't even bring myself to explain this one, and if you think about it, you'll be glad I didn't.
11. " — My name is Robin Swallows.— Swallows, that's an interesting name.— Maiden name's Spitz.— Which is it, baby, Spitz or Swallows?" — Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me
I don't know about you, but child me didn't know that oral sex was a thing, which means this joke went straight over my head. Looking back, I'm pretty glad it did, if only for my parents' sakes.
12. " — I want to be a gynecologist.— If that's so, then I want a good reason why.— You're the reason why, Miss Marquez." — Jack
A child wants to be a gynecologist because his teacher is Jennifer Lopez... *shudder*
13. " — This candy belongs to... Seymour Butts.— Seymour Butts? Seymour Butts? Who's Seymour Butts, humm? Who's Seymour Butts?— Nobody's seen more butts than you, Uncle Tony!" — Heavy Weights
Ok, so this joke isn't particularly disturbing or inappropriate, but it's definitely one of those jokes kids love to say over and over and over again. Not good for the parents who are constantly being asked about Seymour Butts.
'90s movies were more strange and dirty than I remembered, but if this is what we were exposed to as children, just think of the kinds of horrible things we'll regret showing our kids. Karma's a cruel, cruel thing.
Images: New Line Cinema; Giphy (13)
