What You Realize Listening To S Club 7 As An Adult

When it comes to pop music, S Club 7 are the one late '90s band that truly make you squirm a little bit when you remember them. Relentlessly upbeat, they had their own TV show which promoted an assortment of aspirational messages about being the best, believing in yourself, and the power of friendship, which all sort of translated to your own life but in a really annoying, "Who do these British grown ups think they are?" type of manner. Their music reflected the ethos of that show too, bursting with an array of unadulterated joy, sunshine, parties, and love with the sort of cheerful, soulless melodies which make your face hurt and your teeth grind together from all the rigorous smiling the songs have been forcing you to attempt.

Primarily, S Club 7 are a band who were made for the enjoyment of children whose idea of a good time was simply juice, cookies, a bowl of chips, and a small dance floor (not much has changed, to be honest), and their music totally reflected that. But listening back to it as an adult? Oh, boy, it doesn't hold up very well. In fact, I'd go as far as to say that those of us who played even just one S Club 7 song during our childhoods should phone up our parents and thank them for their patience.

1. "Reach" Had Aspirational Lyrics About Nothing

OK, so, supposedly friendship can help us to "reach for the stars," "climb every mountain higher," and help us to witness rainbows which indicate our success. I don't know how you feel about your friends, but mine specifically prefer it if we stay on the couch all day eating pizza, and avoiding as many mountains as possible. S Club 7 should have made their aspirational message a little more realistic.

2. A Lot Of Their Songs Sounded Pretty Similar

The chorus to "Bring It All Back" could easily be a bridge on "Reach," with lyrics like "Don't stop/ Never give up/ Hold your head high/ And reach the top," they're clearly talking about stars, mountains and rainbows again.

3. "Don't Stop Movin'" Was A Pop Song They Could Be Proud Of

The robo-boogie antics of "Don't Stop Movin'" were a phenomenal improvement on the blank aspirational messages (and delirious upbeat melodies) of "Reach" and "Bring It All Back."

4. "Have You Ever" Was The Ballad You Denied Ever Liking As A Child

"Have You Ever" more than likely gave you all kinds of nervous, embarrassing feelings about whatever poor sap you had a crush on when you were 8, but you know as well as I do that you probably still eagerly sang along to it whenever it was played on the radio.

5. There Really Was No Party Like An S Club Party (When You Were 7 Years Old)

When you're a kid, hearing about a party which needs such prep as "Feeling good" and "looking alright" for results such as being able to "push the ceiling" and "move your body from side to side" sounded like a great prospect for your next door neighbors seventh birthday party in the church hall. But now? Try "Feeling deflated and exhausted from my day job" and "looking like an extra from Mad Max" for results such as "post-cocktail regret" and "why did I give them my phone number?"

6. They Really Didn't Need Seven Members

Truthfully, very few bands do (unless you're Wu Tang Clan), but especially not S Club 7, who only really relied on the lead vocals of Jo along with a generic mass of mumbly, backing vocals.

7. S Club 7 Couldn't Ever Transition From "Children Friendly" To "A Little Saucy"

Let's acknowledge the neon elephant in the room and say that S Club 7 were a pop band for children, more than anyone else. So when a song like "Natural" comes along, it feels like a pretty awkward attempt to make money on the sex symbol status of Rachel Stevens.

8. "Two In A Million" Doesn't Make Numerical Sense To Their "Club"

Look, I understand what they're trying to say — the two of us are special snowflakes found floating above the black sludge of common road snow. But come on, there are seven people in the club. If only two of those seven are worthy enough for a song out of an additional million people, then why even keep them as members?

9. They Were Truly The Worst Dancers

The outdated moves in "You're My Number One" are a perfect example of how they were clearly being choreographed by someone who thought, "Let's make these moves easy for children to perform with their grandparents at weddings without anyone hurting themselves."

10. The "S Club Party" Could Get Pretty Sad

Their final swan song out of the industry, "Say Goodbye," is a dreary example.

11. Songs Were So Overly-Produced That They Almost Sound Plastic

If their music was candy it would have been so sweet that it was practically inedible.

So there you have it — even nostalgia can't really carry S Club 7 to remain appealing for adults. The truth is, there are a lot of parties that are better than an S Club party (and none of them include a single S Club beat). They were still a defining moment in your childhood musical taste, though.