Why We Need To Stop Being "Chill" In Dating

I have never been “chill” in dating. I always flouted the standard dating advice of waiting for a guy to call me first or not responding right away to text messages, moves that probably did scare off a guy or two in my dating history. It used to bother me, back when I was younger and much more single than I am now, but eventually I got to the point where I realized that I’m an intense person and that meant I was never going to be “chill.” I was always going to tell a guy that I thought he was great if I thought he was great; I was always going to be the woman who mentions the fact that I want kids someday way too early in a relationship; I was always going to want to spend “too much” time with a new partner.

Once I figured that out, I stopped stressing about whether or not I was too much for a new love interest. I knew that my intensity wasn’t going to tone down once I was in a relationship — and it hasn’t. But now I see that intensity as one of the things that’s great about me, not something I should feel bad about. I love my boyfriend just as intensely as I courted him and that’s undoubtedly one of the things he loves about me.

But with our current dating culture, there’s a lot of pressure to be “chill,” like it’s unsexy or desperate to show someone that you’re really into them. Pretending you’re not as into someone as you are feels like the most pointless move you could make. Here are six reasons being “chill” is BS.

1. At Least One Of You Is Definitely Not Feeling It

If you're playing the "chill" role, chances are that one of you is not actually feeling the heat. There are enough difficulties in the early stages of dating. Why make it harder by pretending to feel differently than you actually do?

2. There’s Seriously No Point If You're Both "Meh" About Each Other

If both of you are chill about each other, what’s the point of dating? Do you really want to date someone who you’re just kind of “meh” about and who’s just “meh” about you? I definitely don’t.

3. What’s Wrong With Being Enthusiastic?

This is one I really don’t understand. Did everyone get a memo in the mid-aughts that I missed saying that enthusiastic was out and chill was in? Be true to who are and if you are is someone who gets really excited about things, get excited!

4. It’s Not Worth The Time

Personally, being chill felt like such an effort to me. I’ve got better things to do than pretend I’m someone I’m not.

5. It’s Often Performative

Sure, there are definitely people out there who are naturally chill. However, I’m gonna go out on a limb and say that truly chill people are few and far between. I don’t think it’s a good idea to go into a romantic encounter acting like someone you’re totally not.

6. If They’re Into You, They Won’t Mind Your Enthusiasm

No one who was ever into someone got turned off by that person’s enthusiasm about seeing them and dating them. If your non-chillness turns them off and you’re not a chill person, then they’re not the person for you. Go find someone who is a better fit. They’re out there; I promise.

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