A 'Pretty Little Liars' Trip To the Zoo

I’m in a strange place. You see, for the past few weeks, I’ve been feeling CONFIDENT about the Pretty Little Liars EzrA reveal. There’s no way he’s not “A”, I thought. We all saw that freaky basement lair. However, this week, we learn more about what Ezra’s actually up to. Or maybe we don’t? It could all be a trick. A lie. An “A” move.

BUT! What is revealed about Ezra is strangely plausible and so typical icky Ezra that I might buy it? UGH, I DON’T KNOW. This show is going to be the end of me.

Liars Assemble

Ezra catches Spencer passed out in a classroom. She’s in her PJs. She might not be wearing shoes. She sleepwalked to school. Ezra is like, “Let’s have a little chat, eh? This path is DANGER DANGER HIGH VOLTAGE.” Spencer is like, “NOPE” and sprints out of the classroom.

Ezra asks Aria about Spencer. He’s like, “Your friend has a bit of a drug problem. Look at her medical records. I stole them and should definitely not have them, but here! You take them.”

Later, Aria tells Hanna and Emily about Spencer. She shows them the stolen records. According to her file, she’s had Adderall problems in the past. The non-Spencer Liars are like, “Uhhhh?? Intervention time? I guess??!”

CUT TO: Spencer’s house! The Liars are hanging out in the kitchen. Spencer thinks they’re there to talk about EzrA, but they flip the script on her. They call her out for, in Hanna’s words, being “a speed freak.” Aria hands Spencer the file. Spencer is FURIOUS that they’re buying what Ezra’s selling. She tells Aria that Ezra is “A” and Board Shorts. Aria is like, “…” and the other Liars are like, “Yes, he might be a pedophile and a murderer, but we’re talking about your Adderall ish right now. One thing at a time.”

Spencer admits that, yes, she did sleepwalk to school, but that she just uses the drugs to help her. She says Ezra gave Aria the file to distract all of them from the EzrA factor. She even says something about Aria’s deer-in-the-headlights behavior almost getting her shot in the back of a nightclub. UH OH. THE NOIR DREAM IS TAKING OVER HER BRAIN.

She loses it and hastily grabs her purse. The contents spill out on the counter. The Liars notice THE RX PAD WITH DR. WREN’S NAME. Spencer is like, “The hell?! Not mine!” and the other Liars are like, “Verrrry sus, Spencer.”

Spencer, Hanna, & Emily

The next day (I think?), Hanna and Emily hang out in the Marin kitchen talk about Spencer and Aria. They’re like, “One’s addicted to pills, the other is addicted to love. WHAT DO WE DO?!” Spencer storms into the Marin house and is like, “Hey, here’s all of my pills. I’m done. I don’t need ‘em." (Later, she secretly tries to get more pills. And her mom finds out. Oops.)

"Now, listen to me: EZRA IS ‘A’ AND YOU KNOW IT. Let’s look at the journal, okay?” They look at the journal, because you listen to Spencer no matter what.

Spencer thinks “A” changed words in the journal to conceal where he and Ali used to meet. What they piece together: Ambrose Pavilion at the Norris Town Zoo. Obviously, they’re going to go.

That day (I think?), Ezra hangs out at the coffee shop while Emily’s working. Emily drops a pile of dishes near Ezra’s table and takes a call while she cleans up the mess. It’s a phone call about Ali. Ezra’s listening. HANNA AND SPENCER ARE ON THE OTHER END AND THEY’RE WATCHING FROM A CAR. HIGH-FIVE! It’s a trick call! Within earshot of Ezra, Emily continues discussing their fake plans to meet Ali at the zoo. Ezra continues eavesdropping. Hanna and Spencer continue high-fiving. GOT HIM.

Emily and Hanna go to the Norris Town Zoo. The Ambrose Pavilion is… THE REPTILE EXHIBIT. Emily and Hanna lurk around the lizards and snakes while they wait for Spencer to show up. The plan is for Spencer in a wig to catch the attention of “A.” Because “A” knows they’re there, right? Because “A” is Ezra, right?

They see a gal in a blonde wig. “Oh, hey! Hey, weird Spencer! Why are you being weird? Come over here.” But while Hanna and Emily are staring at weird Spencer, real Spencer rushes up to them and apologizes for being late. "A" NEVER SHOWS UP. WEIRD SPENCER DISAPPEARS. WHO WAS WEIRD SPENCER? They don’t find out, because before they can run after her, they’re locked in the reptile exhibit. They die in the snake house.

Don’t freak, a security guard lets them out. They don’t die in the snake house.

EZRIA

Aria tells Ezra the Spencer intervention didn’t go well. Ezra is like, “Welp, we gotta tell her parents, because, like, Radley is a thing that happened, ya know?” Aria is like, “Hey, but she thought she found Toby’s body. That was pretty intense. She’d gone through some stuff.” Ezra’s like, “EXACTLY. She saw a helmet and a tattoo and lost her marbles.” Aria is like, “You’re right. She’s probably fragile … WAIT A MINUTE. How did you know about the helmet/tattoo thing? That wasn’t public info.” Ezra is like, “Um… Uh… You probably told me about it. You know, because we are lovers who tell each other stuff.”

Later, Aria is like, “Is Spencer right? Nah. I’m going to prove Spencer is not right.” She goes to Ezra’s cabin. She needs a security code to get in. She tries “Ezra.” Doesn’t work. She tries several literary figures’ names (BARF). None of them work. Finally, she chooses “B26.” IT WORKS. UGHHHHHH.

Aria snoops around the cabin. She finds the secret creepy basement. She walks down the secret creepy basement stairs. And she finds… NOTHING. Ezra closed up shop. DRAT. Aria walks back upstairs and notices a book called Carnivore’s Delight. She’s like, “My Ezra doesn’t eat meat! He’s a vegetarian like meeee. True loooove! What could possibly be— " She finds the pages of the book have been hollowed out. What’s inside? A PERSONAL ESSAY ABOUT ALI. THERE ARE SO MANY PAGES.

SUDDENLY! EZRA PULLS UP TO THE CABIN. Aria realizes Ezra is there, so she skedaddles out a window and runs back to her car. Ezra notices Aria left her keys before she made her quick escape. Aria notices she left her keys in the cabin the moment she gets to her car. She cuts her losses and decides to run through the woods. I live here now, she maybe thought. She goes to a place called the William Tell Lodge. Ezra FINDS HER and the two of them end up on a chairlift. Don’t ask how this happens (because I don’t know how this happens). The chairlift moves, and then gets stuck when they’re up in the air. Aria screams a bunch.

Aria is like, “YOU GOT ALI PREGNANT AND KILLED HER!” Ezra is like, “Nah, nah. I didn’t hurt her. I did know her when I was in college, but she lied about her age. WHOOPS!” And then, Ezra explains himself. Buckle up…

Ezra says he was writing a true crime book about Ali: When Ezra saw the reports that Ali went missing, he was like, “Hm, I should write a book about a missing high school girl who I used to boink. That’s a great idea. I should seek out the missing girl’s BFFs and woo one of them at a bar. I should also get a job at Rosewood High School. It’s all part of being a good detective.” He tells Aria he didn’t plan on falling in love with her, though. BARF. He says he stopped the book when their relationship got serious, and then picked it up again when they broke up. TO REITERATE: HE’S RESEARCHING ALI’S DISAPPEARANCE AND DATING A LIAR AND TEACHING AT ROSEWOOD FOR A BOOK. HE MIGHT NOT BE “A”, BUT HE’S STILL A BUCKET OF POO.

Aria sobs. It's a lot of info to process.

And then, she's like, “Uh, can’t wait to read your stupid crime book, you garbage heap.” Ezra is like, “ACK, DON’T!” and then they fight over the papers. Predictably, the papers fall to the ground. Normally, this wouldn’t be a big deal. They could bend over and scoop up the mess of papers. BUT THEY’RE STUCK ON A CHAIRLIFT. THE CHAIRLIFT IS SO FAR AWAY FROM THE GROUND.

Somehow, Aria gets away from Ezra and the chairlift. She goes home. She’s like, “This is some shit.”

Later, we see “A” collecting Ezra’s pages. UH OH. IS "A" EZRA? I DON'T KNOOOOOOW.

Image: Eric McCandless/ABC Family