24 Unanswered 'Bridget Jones' Diary' Questions

I woke up with the sad realization that, despite my best efforts, I am a terrible failure of a rom-com fan. We’ve dawned upon the 15 year anniversary of Bridget Jones’ Diary, a veritable staple of the genre, and the thing is, I’ve never actually watched Bridget Jones’ Diary . Looking to redeem that I popped over to Netflix, but as my knowledge of British culture extends to sad post-punk ‘80s bands and... that’s it, it’s hard to figure out what exactly is going on in this movie. You know, besides the loose Pride and Prejudice adaptation thing. I finished the movie very moved but, you know, with a lot of unanswered questions.

Yes, yes, I know that with all rom-coms you’re supposed to take reality with a grain of salt (or a toothpick in your pickle, as they say in the U.K., I think). Still, certain things about this romantic comedy classic left me a bit confused, and maybe sharing said confusion with the Internet will help clear my head. After all, I have to make room to process The Edge of Reason and the upcoming Bridget Jones’ Baby (dude, does this chick ever get it together?)

In chronological order, here are all the burning questions I had while watching Bridget Jones’ Diary.

1. Does Bridget's Mom Routinely Keep Extra Clothes For Her Daughter To Wear At These Parties?

Or did she legit cut up a carpet and was like, "Welp, might as well keep this around to cover up whatever hideous outfit Bridget wears."

2. Are Pickles On Toothpicks A Thing In England?

Are they a thing everywhere, and I'm just uncouth?

3. Is Mark Darcy's Reindeer Sweater Giving Bridget The Side Eye?

I mean, I would too.

4. Are Penguin Pajamas The Universal Attire For Resigning To Die Alone?

Because I have, like, three of those.

5. Why Does That Vodka Bottle Have An Olive Oil Top?

Or is that how people drink vodka these days? I ask again, am I uncouth?

6. Who Wears A See-Through Top To The Office?

Well, I mean, Bridget does, and with intent to seduce her dashing boss and all, but I can't imagine this would go over well in most professional publishing houses.

7. Why Is Bridget's Mom Kissing The Air Near Bridget's Face?

You missed.

8. Did Legally Blonde Co-Opt This Gag Or Is That Just Very Strange Timing?

Incidentally, the movie was released like three months later.

9. Why Does Daniel Always Have His Shirt So Deeply Unbuttoned?

Granted, he's supposed to be post (pre?) coital here, but it doesn't seem crazy that Hugh Grant would have that stipulation written into his contract.

10. OK, How Does This Naked Chick Get To Look So Smug About Being Caught?

First of all, she looks sillt posing with that book. Second of all, I don't care if you're supposed to be a young, slender bastion of American evil, when you have to hide naked from your lover's quasi-girlfriend, the proper reaction to being spotted is "mortified."

11. Is Bridget Walking Through A Warehouse Here...?

I don't...

12. When Did Daniel Find Time To Get Engaged To The Naked American Chick?

Moreover, why is the Naked American Chick totes cool with shacking up with this guy when he was with Bridget for at least some or most of the time they were together?

13. ...Why?

Just why.

14. Why Is This Dude So Gung-Ho About Women In Their 30s Getting Married And Procreating?

Can't you just be happy with the inevitable British Chuckie Finster your wife is going to birth and leave other people out of it?

15. This Shirt, What's Happening Here?

This is visually perplexing.

16. Why On Earth Did Bridget Steal All Of Florida's Oranges For Dinner?

What kind of horrible case of scurvy is she trying to cure?

17. Really, We're All Going To Forge Through This Hot Mess?

That soup looks like what would happen if you pureed a Smurf.

18. Ok, But How Does Daniel Show Up Unannounced On Bridget's Birthday Assuming He Can Just Win Her Back After He Cheated On Her With An American Woman Who He Was Engaged To Up Until Like, Five Minutes Ago?

Like, he's arrogant, but he's not crazy... I think.

19. Why Hasn't Anyone Burst Into The Greek Diner I Frequent And Invited Me To Watch A Fight Between To Attractive British Men?

I need to change things up a bit.

20. Why Does This Feel So Right?

Just... all of it. All of this entire scene.

21. But Seriously, Did Anyone Write The Check For All These Damages?

All I'm saying is that I didn't see it.

22. Are Piggy Pajamas The Universal Attire For Resigning To Be Alone, For Real This Time?

Luckily, I don't have those, just... piggy slippers...

23. Why Can't I Help But Imagine The Extremely Stern, Polite Sex Life These Two Must Have?

Bleh.

24. How Come Mark Darcy Doesn't, IDK, Maybe Tell Bridget He's Going Out To Buy A Diary Before He Mysteriously Storms Out Of Her Flat?

It just seemed like, you know, the sensible thing to do.

All questions aside, I happened to really enjoy my time with Bridget Jones. Here's raising a big old glass of wine to you, girl... and like, maybe a few shots of vodka.

Images: Universal Pictures (25)