Things You Shouldn’t Say To A Rory & Jess Shipper

There are things that all Gilmore Girls fans can agree on, like the fact that Lorelai is the coolest mom on the planet (despite her poor hat choices) or that Stars Hollow is a magical bohemian utopia where we all wish that we could live. But, there is something Gilmore Girls fans can’t agree on, and that’s the Gilmores’ guys. When it comes to Rory’s boyfriends, there are basically three camps: #TeamJess, #TeamLogan, and #TeamDean. So, if you are not in the Jess camp, continue with caution. If you are on #TeamJess, there are some things you are probably so sick of hearing. There are just some things that you should never say to a Rory & Jess 'shipper.

Don’t get me wrong, while Jess is swoon-worthy, witty, and intelligent, 'shippers understand that the character is flawed, and sometimes a little bad — but isn’t that the appeal? To be #TeamJess means understanding his and Rory’s faults. This doesn’t mean they’re bad for each other, it just means their relationship has a longer story than that of her other boyfriends. I feel like Dean and Logan were chapters in Rory’s life, while Jess is an evolving character that has been many things to Rory throughout the series. He’s been a pest, a mystery, a love interest, a heartbreaker, a ghost, and a friend. This is why I have high hopes for Jess’ return in the Netflix revival series, love interest or not, I can’t wait to see what he and Rory’s dynamic has become — but mostly I hope his role is love interest.

With the promise of all three of Rory’s exes appearing in the Netflix series, the Jess, Dean, and Logan debate is back and more contentious than ever. And, whether it’s 2007 or 2016, there are some thing Jess’ advocates are tired of hearing. In fact, there are 25 things that you should never say to a Rory and Jess shipper.

1. "Logan"

Don't you dare tell me you're #TeamLogan.

2. "Dean"

Really, the whiny adulterer? Say it ain't so, Milo Ventimiglia.

3. I Always Thought Tristan Dugray Was Cute

Are you still stuck in 2001, too?

4. But He Stole The Dean Bracelet!

Psh, at this point Rory was totally into Jess and didn’t even know it was missing.

5. Jess Ruined The Car From Dean, Too

Once again, Rory was already super into Jess and had a huge part in that accident, which was, by the way, an accident.

6. This Guy Talks Like He Has A Team Of Writers

His epic sarcasm and adorable notes etched in the margins of Rory's books will forever be the best, so...

7. I Don’t Know What Rory Sees In Him

See also: “Jess treats her badly.” He doesn’t call, he leaves without saying goodbye, and shows up out of nowhere with insane propositions like I love you and Let’s run away together. But, Jess is your average 19 year-old bad boyfriend. What did any of us see in our 19-year-old man child boyfriends? He is sexy and spontaneous and all of the other qualities your mother would hate, that’s 99 percent of the appeal.

8. Rory Is Annoying When She's With Jess

I totally agree. I think one of the most egregious acts on Gilmore Girls was when Rory missed Lorelai’s graduation because she ditched school and visited Jess in New York. And, though I am not #TeamDean, we can all agree Rory treated him terribly once Jess came on the scene. But, Rory has weird guy issues, she does erratic things with Jess, can’t tell Dean she loves him, and cries on the bathroom floor because she desperately wants Logan to like her. Rory's issues weren't because of Jess, they were because she was a teenager figuring out her issues.

9. Everyone On That Show Makes The Same Obscure References

Seriously though, how has everyone in this teeny tiny town, the good people of Hartford, teenagers at Chilton Academy, and the whole of Yale University seen all of the same black and white movies, read the same pretentious books, and enjoyed the same obscure retro television shows? Like, how do all of these people, including a 17-year-old from the wrong side of the tracks, get Rory and Lorelai’s repartee. You know what, don’t question it. At least Jess got the references, unlike Dean.

10. Jess Wears Too Much Hair Product

Does not!

11. I Mean, He’s Not Even That Cute

You were saying?

12. Jess Is Rude To Everyone Else

I once read that the type of porn that most often appeals to women in every salty romance novel is the good girl (often average in looks and fashion) who falls for the dark, brooding man. And, of course, she is the only one who understands him. He also only wants to be with her and dislikes everyone else. When this is done well, he is Mr. Darcy. When this done poorly, we call him Christian Grey. Jess is somewhere in between.

13. Jess Doesn’t Like Lorelai

Chock this up to immaturity and the above’s note about only having eyes for Rory. But, I agree, how could you not like Lorelai? She is hands down the best character on the show. Maybe they'll like each other more in the reunion!

14. Jess Smokes

YOU ARE RIGHT. Smoking is gross, kids. I bet even Jess (like most smokers I know) would advise against you starting the habit.

15. Rory And Jess Have No Chemistry

Please, the steamiest scenes on Gilmore Girls were all Rory and Jess. Luke had to implement a two-box system between the apartment and the diner!

16. Jess Likes Weird Music

Yeah, like The Clash, The Ramones, Bjork, and David Bowie! Besides, Rory liked the same stuff, so they were really meant to be.

17. Aren't Rory And Jess Kind Of Related?

As far as we know Luke and Lorelai are not married and Jess is Luke’s nephew, not son. So, I guess they are potentially step-cousins, but, eh, whatever.

18. Jess Never Did Anything Good For Rory

He looked it up! He wrote a book and thanked her for her help! His visit helped Rory see she needed to go back to Yale!

19. Jess Is Always Trying To Get Into Fights

Please, Dean was often the physical instigator. Remember the intimidation by the trash cans?! And I applaud Jess for standing up to himself in a cool, calm manner when encountering the “blond dick at Yale.” Lastly, it was a swan, OK!

20. Jess Doesn’t Deserve Rory

I’m sorry, is he not smart enough? Attractive enough? Successful enough? Hard working? Also, Rory is not perfect either. She’s not above him on a pedestal.

21. Jess Will Never Grow Up

Except he does and accepts Luke’s help — he even reads that self help book.

22. Jess Will Never Make Anything Of Himself

You know, other than becoming an author and responsible adult.

When we last saw Jess, he was a thoughtful, successful grown-up, so Jess and Rory 'shippers have high hopes for the Netflix revival. In the mean time, I guess we'll have to re-watch the series on Netflix and fall for Jess all over again.

Images: Warner Bros. Television (3); CopperBoomed/Tumblr; Giphy (22)