Someone From 'Vanderpump' is Writing a Memoir

The second season of Vanderpump Rules was not so kind to Kristen Doute. First of all, it seemed like she was pouting in nearly every episode by the SUR dumpster with a cigarette dangling out of her mouth. She was suspended from her job by Lisa Vanderpump for having an attitude. She all but terrorized bartender Ariana Madix for making out with ex-boyfriend Tom Sandoval at the Golden Nugget (and yes, that will always be hilarious). Then, the truth came out that she slept with ex-best friend Stassi Schroeder's ex-boyfriend Jax Taylor, had another affair with a SUR employee during the time of Nuggetgate, and is now proudly sleeping with a 21-year-old busser. So, what's a girl to do next? Write about it, of course. On Monday, it was announced that Kristen Doute would be writing a memoir about her time on the show called — ready? Smeared Eyeliner and Broken Bank Accounts: a Surreal Life.

This is just too much for me. I truly don't know if this is sad for Kristen because all she's chalking her current life up to is being broke and not having makeup wipes, or great for me because I'm definitely, definitely reading this.

"It's a little bit about my life on the show, living in L.A. over the last six years, and what it's like to be a transplant from the midwest," says Kristen, a Michigan native, in an interview with the Dish. "It's also about being in a relationship with [Tom Sandoval] for six years. And all that chaos."

I personally think that as a Vanderpump Rules fan, reading about the show from her perspective would be entertaining, but I do not think that Tom Sandoval warrants more than one chapter. Or maybe it does. I do want to learn more about their "chaotic" dating dichotomy, how many hair straighteners they've gone through together, and all that jazz. But after doing a sweep about Doute on the interwebs, I'd also like to hear more about a film she appeared in called Cats Dancing on Jupiter and a music video she appeared in for a song called "Cha Cha Diva" where she was billed as a "Show Girl" — and a topless one at that. If this is your first memoir, Kristen, you've gotta make it good.

Doute says that the chapter outlines are mostly done, but doesn't have a set publication date yet. She also didn't say if she had an agent or a publisher or a book deal, but those will come in due time, I'm sure.

"A lot has gotten done over the last few weeks," Doute says. "I'll give [Sandoval] props for giving me part of the title," she says. "It was just a random thing he said one day: Smeared Eyeliner and Broken Hearts. And it was like a lightbulb went off."

Ahhhh. So we have actually have TOM to thank for this poetic masterpiece's inception. Sounds like a tale full of chaos, tears, mascara, and drama — and a memoir about Vanderpump Rules shouldn't be any other way.

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