Oh Miley, I want to respect you but you make it so darn hard. In an interview with her younger sister Brandi, Miley Cyrus said her Bangerz tour will be educational, since apparently no one in small towns knows anything about art. Obviously. Fortunately, Cyrus had the good sense to say, "Even though parents probably won't think this, I think my show is educational for kids," which shows she hasn't completely lost it, but her reasoning is shoddy at best.
But question: what kind of lessons will Miley's Bangerz tour teach our children? For starters, it certainly won't teach them how to zpell correctly, but according to Miley, she seems to think her type of "art" will be educational: Her tour is helping kids in that it's bringing art to the masses.
I'm willing to give Miley the benefit of the doubt, though. I'm just that forgiving. So! Here's the kind of knowledge Prof. Cyrus could possibly bring to the table as she sings about wrecking balls, molly, and adoring people.
Lesson 1: Phalluses Are Artistic
This is super good news for me personally, since I did a concentration on phallic sculptures in AP Studio Art, so woohoooo, me and Miley have soooo much in common. But yes, ye small-town-residents, let it be known from now on, phalluses are artistic because Miley Cyrus said so.
Lesson 2: Underwear Can Indeed Function As Pants
You might have foolishly thought that the cold of winter and the dictations of modern society meant full length trousers in winter, but small town America, you thought wrong. Panties are plain old pants now, and if you're worried about a chill, just wear higher boots! Obvioussssslyyyyyy.
Lesson 3: Art Can Be Pretty Much Anything, Actually
Art can be a large plastic hot dog, or it can be a foam finger. Art can be a naked 21-year-old writhing suggestively or it can be that same 21-year-old dressing up like a sexy cowgirl. Art is whatever you make of it children, never forget that.
Lesson 4: Places Like Raleigh And Brooklyn Are Considered Small Towns
Miley spoke of bringing her life lessons to small towns across the U.S, but a look at her tour locations shows that the smallest "town" she passes through will be Uniondale, NY. The vast majority of places her tour touches down at are proper cities, so, youth of rural America (sort of?), learn from Aunt Miley, even cities can be small towns.
Lesson 5: Miley Cyrus Is A Cultural Figure
She's not just an uber-sexualized female popstar. Don't be absurd. She's this generation's Andy Warhol, Bob Dylan, and Janis Joplin, if all of those people refused to wear pants, that is.
Image: Getty Images
