If Dating Was Like 'The Bachelor'

Whether you love or hate The Bachelor (or love to hate it), there’s no denying that the way people behave on the popular dating show is about as close to real dating as pornography is to real sex: that is, not very. A new video from Mashable imagines what it would be like if real girlfriends acted like they were on The Bachelor. The result is a hilarious alternative reality in which every other sentence starts with “Going into today” and “Honestly,” and seemingly-rational people make endless references to intimacy and honesty and EMOTIONS, without actually saying anything at all. It’s magical.

“I’m just such a complicated person, with, like, so many layers, you know?” one woman explains to her date. “It just really takes a lot for me to, like, open up and be honest about what I want, and at this point, I don’t know, I just feel like I’m questioning everything.” All this before ordering a steak quesadilla. (It’s OK, friend. Who doesn’t get emotional about quesadillas?)

“This one-on-one date has been incredible. I will never be the same again,” another woman gushes. “Today has been the best day of my life.” Her boyfriend of four years is confused.

This video reveals an essential truth about The Bachelor: that if real people spoke like the contestants on that show, we would be legitimately concerned about their mental health. The women’s worried boyfriends take them to a doctor: “They’ve been acting really weird lately, doctor. … They’ve been saying a lot of, like, meaningless, romantic nonsense.”

There are plenty of reasons to enjoy The Bachelor (it’s very artificiality is sort of addictive), but if you find yourself on a random Tuesday wearing an evening gown, a glass of champagne in one hand, and a rose in the other, you may want to dial it back a little. Watch the whole thing below:

Images: YouTube (3)